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Desperate Wife

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    Sorry for the long paragraph. I don’t know why it shows up like that…..Hello there! I am a wife of a compulsive gambler and I am trying to understand what my husband is going through right now. We are both 31 (young) and married. We were just starting our life together. Some background history: we met in 2007. We had a long distance relationship and I later discovered about his gambling problem. He was very destructive back in his country (his parents and even I would bail him out). Despite all that, I chose to be with him. We have been married for nearly 3 years now (civil) and through the church 1 year. I found out on Monday that he is playing again. He bets on sports through an online website. He has played since May but I didn’t know until this week….. I found out because I went through his cell phone. I first saw that he was chatting online with other women on a social network application. I saw his history of chats and was outraged by the flirty comments and sweet talk. I confronted him about this that same day and he confessed on his own about the gambling. He explained that he has played for apx 3 months and has maxed his only credit card. When we spoke on Thursday he told me that he took money out from his 401k so now he owes that. He also said that the chatting was a way for him to escape and getaway; he said he didn’t take it seriously and he was never planning to meet up with girls or cheat. I basically told him to move out and so he did. I told him that I value myself as a woman and person and being with him has devalued me and I feel really disrespected. I felt so strong on Monday. I was very calm and I didn’t waste time arguing. While he was getting ready to leave, I told him not to take the car but he found the spare key and all of a sudden he left abruptly. I went after him but I couldn’t catch up to him. I wanted him to leave with nothing but oh well he took the new car; I cannot afford to pay it myself…… The first 2 days I felt numb and I was just really pissed because I did not want to put up with his gambling like I did before. We live with my parents and I also did not want to see him in the house and argue like we have done in the past months. He barely started to build his credit and he was started to have good credit. We purchased our first car together in April. In March he received his permanent resident card and then in May he started playing. But because he now has his card, car and still has a job I thought that he did all this so he can have his freedom and not take on the role of husband. So I am confused sometimes about his feelings and love for me? In my heart I don’t think he used me as in our marriage was fraud but I know it appears that way. He says he didn’t use me. Looking back to these past few months, it all adds up–his behavior that is. His manipulations on how he tries to blame me and how we wants to control the finances so he can play and so i wouldn’t find out. He was constantly on the phone checking updates on ESPN and betting or chatting. He wanted to have his own account and no longer a joint so he changed his direct deposit to go to his own account. He would always accuse me of being a control freak, that I bug and nag him too much and he always threatened to leave. So because of all the recent fights I was so determined on Monday to no longer fight and just have him leave. He slept in the car the first few days….. He has found a co-worker to stay with for now. So now that I kicked him out he is telling me that he wants to live on his own so that no one (me) will tell him what to do. He said he has fallen out of love for me because I was aggressive, controlling and b/c I have lost myself (because I have gained weight and I stopped working out) and that basically he just wants to be left alone. I know that the gambling really affected me and that I became so paranoid and strict with him. He says he sees me like a sister now and wants me to focus on my life and be happy without him. He also has said ‘if we are meant to be then we are but if not then we are not.’ In the end he told me that I don’t need to rush getting a divorce, that time will tell and to let him look for me. I feel so rejected by him! I know I need to focus on me, but how can be so sure to tell me this? He isn’t sure about looking at himself. Out of everything he said that I need to do and why he can’t be with me, he barely took responsibility for himself. All the admitted to was that he was not attentive with me. What hurts me so much is how he is not willing to fight for us. These past few months I have been saying the same thing to him (to fight for us) and it just makes sense to me why now. He was like a living dead person. That’s how I saw him sometimes. Since May he started talking to me about leaving but he never did. He would say ‘you are too good for me; I want to go back to my country and finish what I didn’t get to” He was apathetic about creating goals for himself here. I have felt used by him and I am so hurt by his behavior. I wish he would fight for his life and for us but he is emotionally unavailable. He blocks his feelings and does not show any affection or remorse. He may say he feels bad and sad and says he cries on his own when he is alone, but it’s hard to believe. …..I am afraid of losing him forever. I know he will not come back and of course he is too embarrassed to come back here where we lived with my parents. He has too much macho/ego to ask for help or to return. I think he is scared to face my parents in the eye. My mom knows what’s happened but my dad has no clue why he left. My parents have an old school mentality that just like he asked for my hand in marriage, then he has to take care of me. So if he wants to leave then he should take me along because I am his wife. I told this to him yesterday and he had the nerve to say ‘we aren’t married.’ Umm YES we are! According to God, the state, and myself and our families we are! How can he say this? Is he being so hard on me so that I can really just leave him alone? ….. I get confused by what he says. How did he just fall out of love like that? If he didn’t want to be with me then he could have left right after he got his permanent resident card. Does he just want to be on his own now b/c he thinks he is a bad ass in this country and wants to be a bachelor? Or is it really b/c of the gambling? I know I am not going to get a straight answer and that’s what I am looking for. I see things as black or white, no grey area. I am rigid like that. It’s hard to be in limbo right now. On one hand, I don’t know if we can make things work because if he doesn’t love me as his wife then I can’t do nothing about that. I can’t make him fall in love with me. I would have to move on. On the other hand, if it’s just because of the gambling I can work with that but he has to be willing to want the help and I don’t know when that will be be. I can’t put a timeline on it. So how long do I wait…I don’t know. ….I am going through all those grief stages this week–the anger, denial and depression. I am not fully accepting that our marriage is over. …..Any thoughts and insights are greatly appreciated. I am trying to understand him right now. Is this normal behavior of a CG? Did any of your husbands who were/are CG leave?

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