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Feeling exhausted and hopeless

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  • #1444
    aching heart
    Participant

    My partner is a gambler… He gets paid once a month in recent months he has given me his money for mortgage bills etc however he still gambling the remainder….. As a result of his gambling things in the house are so stressful and strained constant arguments given him great excuse to go gambling I have 2 young children witnessing all the arguments is not right… I’m exhausted feel rejected and know I can’t live like this anymore I’m so drained and feel unhappy all the time… I love my partner so much n want to support him but feel I’m so tired with all … I need to get on with my own life and b strong person I will be going to my first gamanon tomoro to seek support any other suggestions to help me through this Hope

    #1445
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    Hi Tanya, a warm welcome to the Gambling Therapy Friends and Family forum.
    Tanya, Im afraid were having some horrible conection issues at the moment, I would really like the oppertunity to continue our talk on the helpline… could you please try and come back
    Having found us you have also found a diverse community of other friends and family members who can support you on your recovery journey.
    Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and non-judgemental environment and by reading others stories am sure you will see that you are very much not alone in the issues that you describe.
    Please click here to see our services page, feel free to use all that this site can offer… It’s all free
    To chat with others in real time you may wish to make use of the support groups, the ***** of these groups are advertised under "What’s on and When" or click here to see the weekly group schedule. Please feel free to use the Friends and Family and also the community Groups.
    At present we have 3 dedicated groups for friends & family members. These are at:
    Tuesday 20:00 > 21:00 Uk
    Wednesday 11:00 > 12:00 Uk
    Thursday 21:00 > 22:00 UK
    Also to say when you registered we would have sent you an email with an attachment, this attachment will help you navigate the site and find the support you so rightly deserve, alternatively this guide can be downloaded by clicking here.  
    For one to one chat you may want to try the live advice helpline. Click "connect" when the Advise line is open
    http://www.responsiblegambling.org/get-help/for-someone-else-who-gambles
    http://www.problemgamblingguide.com/help_for_families.html
     
    Take Care
    Harry
    25 year poker player, 25 year Hierarchal fool, 25 year ego boost…  Intellectualisation was my down fall, simplicity was my salvation– 8/5/2013 8:50:04 AM: post edited by harry.

    #1446
    aching heart
    Participant

    Thanks Harry I try go bk on now

    #1447
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Tanya
    I hope that by talking, one of things I can help you feel stronger with is your feeling of rejection.   Your partner doesn’t deliberately hurt you.   His addiction renders him emotionally immature, lacking empathy, reason and logic.
    Although it is not recognized professionally the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us cope.
    Imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room.    As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although forever watchful.
    Your husband is controlled by that addiction but you are not.   When you threaten that addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument.   It is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not.   Once it is between you, you will only hear the addiction speak and because it only knows ***s and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you.   When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning.  
    My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t *** but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind convincing him that I was ***** because he truly be***ved that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism.   The addiction is all about failure for the CG – they cannot win gambling because they cannot walk away.  Squash you and the addiction wins – but however much your husband convinces you that he is in control – he is not.
     
    It is incredibly difficult but if you be***ve what your CG is saying, you become more receptive to his addiction.   If you can stand back a bit and listen to what he is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control.   Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.  
    Getting on with your own life is easy to say and difficult to do but it does work, it will support your partner and hopefully make you feel less tired.   Doing something for yourself is often completely overlooked by those who have been living with the addiction to gamble.   Your husband’s addiction will probably have been filling your mind every minute of the day.   Try and find something that you will enjoy, something that has got nothing whatsoever to do with gambling.   A massage, a new hair-style, a hobby – forgotten because of the addiction but previously enjoyed, going out with a friend, anything that takes your mind out of itself for sometime each day.  
    I am glad you are going to Gamanon – it is good to physically meet with people who ‘understand’ you as nobody else can.   In my view, it is great to use this medium plus Gamanon.
    There is a load more to be said but I will leave it there for now.  You have done incredibly well writing your first post, I know the first post is the hardest.
    We hold our hands out in the dark for so long, groping for understanding, I remember how amazing it was to find a hand in mine and to know I was among those who understood.
    Speak soon
    Velvet
    Happy is she or he who can tell you ‘Today I’ve lived’.  
     
     
     
     

    #1448
    aching heart
    Participant

    Thanks Harry and velvet ur support means a lot to me… I’m taken it all aboard.. Today was another emotional horrible day but on d plus side I went to my first gamanon meeting which I found very supportive needless to say I will b going back every Monday … Here’s to becoming a stronger better person ??

    #1449
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Tanya
    I am so pleased you found your Gamanon supportive. 
    I have brought up to the top the F&F cycle for you to look at and see if it helps you understand a bit more.   You will never make sense of the senseless which is this addiction and in my opinion it is a waste of energy to try but it does help if you can make some sense out of the way you feel.  
    You are doing everything you can and you are doing well
    Velvet
     

    #1450
    monique
    Participant

    Hi Aching Heart
    I am glad you have found this site and also a GamAnon group to attend. 
    I hope you will continue to find each of these to be of great help and support, so you can gradually feel better and more hopeful in yourself.
    Keep in touch and arm yourself with good information and understanding friends.
    Wishing you every good thing as you move forward.
    MoniqueKeep hope alive.

    #1451
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Tanya
    Sorry about that.   Time ran out.
    Keep asking questions here and in Gamanon and looking after yourself first.   The forum is here all the time and Harry gave you the group *****.   It is when we look after ourselves that we change and confuse the addiction.  The addiction seeks to crush you – it ***** to demoralise you so that you enable.   Sadly it usually succeeds until you dig into yourself and find the person that is ‘you’, who is still there and stronger than his addiction.   It is this change that will help you do and say the right things when you see the CG you love.  
    It was great to meet you and you are doing the right things – well done
    V
     

    #1452
    aching heart
    Participant

    Thanks velvet and again I’m so happy I have found yous and ur right I have been so demoralised to the point of absolute exhaustion but its time for the real me to come bk thanks again no doubt I b bk on later thanks ****

    #1453
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Tanya
    You are temporarily separated which is an excellent time for ‘you’ to break the cycle of addiction that hurts your life and in doing so you will be doing the right thing for you, the right thing for your children and ultimately the right thing for your CG.
    What I tried to describe in the F&F cycle was the way that the non-CG reacts to the life of the CG thereby drawing them into the world of addiction as though it was their own.   The non-CG becomes an integral part of the whole sordid experience, the addiction is silent, secretive and subtly demoralizes the non-CG into believing they will ‘save’ their loved one in the end – if they just hang in there and don’t mess things up. 
    The non-CG becomes a detective, a psychoanalyst, a Samaritan, a victim and unfortunately, in doing so, usually feel they are shadows of the person they once were.    They desperately want for the real person to be recognised and for it to be known that they feel trapped and want to break free – but how?
    I have no crystal ball Tanya – I have no knowledge of what your outcome will be but I believe completely that your recovery is important to whatever happens.
    The following was written by lcat a member who was here between 2010 and 2011.  
    I remember how desperate I was when I first wrote on this forum. I had gone everywhere I could to try and find answers as to how to help him stop gambling. I now know that , it was an impossible task I was trying to undertake. No one had any answers for me.  But on this forum I came to understand what it meant to take care of me. As I struggled to do that over the many months, and reading all the post from people from all over the world, our stories were all the same. Didn’t matter where we lived. I never read how anyone had stopped their CG from gambling.! NOT even once!!
    Lcat did move on to life without the addiction to gamble overshadowing it.
    ‘You’ have the key to breaking your cycle but you do not have the key to breaking your partners and it is important that a non-CG realises that they cannot save anyone but themselves.   As victims we are impotent, empowered we are not.  
    To face his addiction is the scariest thing your partner will ever do.  If those he loves are wreckages of that addiction he will have to carry that guilt and guilt is destructive.  
    You are tired, you want to give up and you just want this ‘thing’ in your life to go away.   If you look after you first then you can recharge your batteries and show your partner that with strength it is possible to overcome terrible difficulties.      I am not judging, I can’t because I did everything wrong but when we are drained and weary we are not the best at dealing with problems.  The addiction has sought to take away your self-esteem and confidence so that it can feed on your unwitting enablement.   In the Friends and Family topic forum below this, ‘enablement’ is focussed on – maybe it will help.   Please write on any topic that you feel drawn to.  
    When lives are in a mess it is like a giant jigsaw in thousands of pieces and you don’t know where to start.   If you take one small piece and look at what is contained within that piece you can put it down and then take another piece and join it to the first piece.   Gradually you build the whole picture until it makes sense but it does take time.   ODAAT is a well known acronym on this site and stands for ‘one day at a time’.   We can only deal with one day at a time but if we make the most of that day we can build our lives to be better and stronger – we can become the people we want to be.     
     
    Do something just for you today and refuse to allow your partner’s addiction to be in your mind all the time you are doing it.   Don’t worry about what your partner is doing – his mind is taken up with addiction and is not worrying about anything else.  That is no refection on you or your children; it is the nature of the addiction.   Your partner has to want to stop gambling and to seek treatment.   With the right treatment, GA, rehabs, this site, he can learn to tip out some of the addiction in his mind and fill it with good things.   Each day build up more ‘gamble-free thinking’ time for yourself.  
    I think, (I am sorry if my memory is wrong here) that you said your husband has been to GA and read the 20 questions but it would appear he has forgotten them.   At the top of this page click on to ‘Resources’ and in ‘Location’ scroll down to ‘world’.  Click ‘Gambling help’ and then ‘Search’.   Scroll down to ‘Gamblers anonymous – Twenty Questions’.   I suggest you could print them off again and clearly mark the ones you know there is a ‘yes’ answer.   Maybe you could give it to your partner without brooking an argument and maybe he will re-read and ‘remember’ because CGs do forget.   Complacency is the enemy of a CG in recovery and a short sharp shock may remind him.
    I am sure we will meet in a group again soon but in the meantime please keep reading, gaining knowledge and writing which is therapeutic.  
    You will have up days and down days but hopefully the balance will start to shift towards more ups than downs because you are moving forward.
    V
     
     
     
     

    #1454
    aching heart
    Participant

    Once again thanks for ur many words of wisdom it’s so crazy how u describe everything it’s exactly how I feel act etc u have great understanding wen I read ur post. Feel my chest tighten finally somebody realises exactly wats going on…olodaat is definitely something I will b doing… So far I’m havin ok day bit emotional as my 3 yr old has been constantly asking where is daddy is daddy minding me etc he is a baby but he so in tune his dad is taken them the zoo tomoro .. crazy but this is something he always does after a gambling binge usually I have a go at him ” u only buying ur kids love cos ur feeling **** etc etc” today I did not react wen he told me his plan just went with it I’m working all day tomoro so John do wat he likes ***

    #1455
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Tanya
    Well done on not reacting.   It is less stress on you and less energy wasted on an addition that is not ready to listen.
    He probably isn’t trying to buy his children.   The addiction to gamble is incredibly selfish but when it is controlled amazing people can emerge and it is only then that the non-CG can know what is truly in the heart of their loved one.  
    Bravo to your reaction.  I hope your weekend is peaceful.
    V
     

    #1456
    aching heart
    Participant

    Thanks v I’m off to get sleep now refuelling talk soon x

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