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Fugue State 12

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    vanilla
    Participant

    Six weeks ago my chosen life partner informed me that he had gambled away his life assets savings and dignity on roulette machines in booking shops and was deeply in debt.
     I had not got a clue, this was the middle of my working day with my clients on hand. He urgently needed money and was taking the cash from our joint accounts!
    There was a secret life of deceit and lies and I was unaware of any of it. I finished my work day and moved into full blown shock.
    Did not sleep at all that night.
    I rang gam anon the following day found there was a meeting and went that very evening. My life partner had to take me as I could not drive in the state I was in. Without the remarkable members there that night and their support I would not be here now, I was that close to wanting to no longer exist. My life seemed over, my relationship seemed gone and my situation hopeless.
    Very dark difficult days followed, I was befuddled and gaslighted into confusion. The walking death of despair haunted my waking moments.
    Over the last couple of weeks that has lifted a little and some action has been taken, he says he has stopped and wants a life with me. I have his cards and dole out meagre rations of cash. We have a plan for him to pay back his debts but no bail outs allowed. We live in separate worlds as I struggle with separating Walter Mitty from Dracula.
    What to do?
    I continue to go to gam anon and he says he hasn’t gambled.
    As for me I need to clean up my act, six weeks of soul destructive circulating thoughts have left me a wreck. I have been drinking too much red wine, eating erratically and not doing my usual exercise. Washing, cleaning and personal grooming have been neglected.
    So from to-day there will be changes, I will eat clean, drink clean and take good advice. That is why I am here, to get second opinions and make a new journey.
    When life gives lemons we should make lemonade.
    For the sake of structure I want to follow the 12 steps of gam anon, and whilst I know that the philosophy of it is not for every one, it’s a tried tested and proven route with milestones and questions. It is painful as a chosen route and I have checked with the site it’s ok to do this so Harry thank you for your counsel and you have said you will transfer this to the friends and family section for me, please advise if my foot is in my mouth on this.
    So for to day my chosen actions are to write this post and seek your guidance on my journey, selfish though it is.
    I am going to try to find three blessings every day:
    Today:
    I found this site and recognise some kindred spirits
    I ate good food and did not drink alcohol
    The sun shone for a few hours and raised my spirit
    Vanilla Letting go (changes were because browser did not allow formatting- content not amended)
    — 24/04/2012 13:21:21: post edited by Vanilla– 01/05/2012 00:23:32: post edited by vanilla.

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