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i couldnt say- im pretty lost just now

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    hi, i  put a post as a reply to wheretonows post -sorry bout that- ive been reading eveything  out of order till now. 
     ok, so here goes- my husband is a cg, we have a long history of issues, not terrible – ok yes pretty bad but handled -sort of , and we moved past them. I dont know how long my husband has been cg- hes not very communicative – which right there may have lead to some of this.  im not sure why this new thing has thrown me over the edge.  My husband came home one day and just told me – i have a gambling problem – i laughed- i couldnt beleive it- and i guess it was another thingto add to our list – and just like that???? no prelude? we were to go on oliday and leave the house stocked for the kids. but he used the money- and then asked his brother for help- who then told my inlaws – the whole thing blew open but i was still pretty much in the dark and still feel i am- which i think is what is bothering me so much- pretty much – it was the house he lost-or half the house (which was completely payed up)-  and borrowed thousands (and more than 10s )from friends for i never found out what – this is all aside from huge credit bills – so we went down to his parents – who are themselves going through other things- i was so horribly embarrased – i felt like hiw could i not have known this – when did this happen – what can they be thinking of me- and then my brother inlaw was there too- i insisted that he not be there but my m inlaw could not handle it with out him – we have a history he and i – i had gone to him when my husband had run up an incredible amount of credit on our card – maybe he was cg then too- ive no idea now- he went to my inlaws then too without telling me- i told them to cut us off – that they were nt doing us a favour by helping us- but i guess parents are parents( and at this point i couldnt imagine what would happen if they werent around to help)  they worked out some way of him paying back his friends, he got a new job, and my b in law was working on some way to lower his dept- f inlaw is taking care of paying the house again- so his family members know- mine- i told my mom- she was happy , bec she couldnt figure out why we were never able to buy anything like a table and chairs- ive always been afraid to spend, bec i know that im the only one to save and usually we spent what id save on tutors or groceries that we somehow didnt have enough for sometimes- lol- of all things i h grew up with an abhorence for not paying bills on time – the companies kept calling- one woman even talked to me for some time to tell me that i was liable as well- i was so annoyed- i understood  her motives were well intentioned but – my husband knew what he was doing! right – ok still i faorgave him i thought it was the credit debt, i blamed it on his never having informed us just how bad it really was –  and maybe he thought  he could save face on the rest and pay it off himself – right -so he started  going to meetings and  a counselor – so i let it go- besides i had to much on my plate at that time- and then – while crying /thinking  about it from time to time still not seeing how deep this really was he did it again – i found 2 statements on his winnings,  he relapsed it seems – and that was it i shelved it for a bit, bec we had the kids home from camp the start of school teachers a new school his family at our home and then his parents, and then my family and my parnets etc but i had resolved to leave him- i thought that this would make him realize just what he had to lose- but i cant do it to the kids – my sons relationship with his dad is tenuous- if he found out about this , or that we were separating, hed become rebelious or i dont know what – my daughter same thing- i have two younger daughters as well -16 14 10 and husband was always negative with my son specifically ever since he was a baby-ive often explained to my kids that their father would lay down his life for them- but i now see while thats true- he would also take away their home :[
     i told my husband that i wanted to leave but wouldnt bec of the kids sake – i told him that i loved him but could not live this way , and that it was now his responsibility to put the work into our marriage if thats what he wanted bec i was done. 
    when we were newly weds we were only 20, we moved to a new town where i knew no one. Hed stay out till crazy hours with friends – i understood -imaturity -i was an old soul i could wait- hed grow out of it – then came rages – hed rage at me  for – i dont know why any more – at our son who was still little then- I remember one night holding my son -figuring , that this was not bec of control it was just bec my husband was imature, and didnt know how to tell me when something was bothering him- then i had my second child – i dont really recall my relationship to tell you the truth- by this time we had moved – he would destroy the rooms in his anger – sometimes rip the armoire doors off their hinges – which i usually put back – but he didnt act like this always  – i remember once i decided to let go, to have that luxury of rage and just do it all back – i ripped the armoire door off too, i threw the clothing around like a mad woman- and then when the house was a wreck  – my inlaws came for a surprise visit -thre has benn name calling bit–and wh–and then i d finally learned how to curse too, lol i was such a good teen – id done my share but inever cursed or anything like that , he never really hit  me though   – and it wasnt like he put me down all the time so i had no way to categorize or say im leaving i put it all down to imaturity – there was porn for a while which i found out by finally learning how to use a comp but that was ten years ago -he was genuinely sorry for that – i think – at one point it blew up my ilaws got involved once again – he went to a therapist went on antidepressants  life was not amazing but it was peaceful-i felt it safe and got pregnant agin- all through my 10 year olds pregnancy he was mean as hell-when we finally had our daughter he cried to me that he was so sorry and for a while things were ok, he continued on his meds and once in a while we connected , i kept thinking hes still growing and he was at this point he was no longer the person we started out as -though  he wasnt going to work  most of the time – maybe he was gambling – i dont know -at one point after my little one turned 6 i got pregnant, i had a miscarriage in my 4th month and was lucky to still be around as id lost so much blood – in the car all the way home i just kept saying and feeling -that id wasted my life what was i doing here? but there was no time to think i came home fainting and went to my daughter bec she needed someone and though my m in law had come shesd probably tell her something like grow up – ( which she could do a bit) life went on – we were existing –  and then this hit- my blinders are finally off. i kept thinking one day if im patient enough we could really be an amazing couple – but i finally realized -we cant his addiction wont let him.  I held out and held out bec i knew that he loved me – but when he told me that one rare conversation ago , when he actually listened to what i said and didnt get all depensive or angry, ( he told me even though i didnt think so, he loved me- i answered not enough though.) so here i am – i am trying to work on me, i dont talk to him much im civil and ill ask him to pick things up, but mostly im gone b4 hes up-which is late 11 or so, and asleep or almost by the time hes home – anyway he goes on the comp when he gets home so we never spoke much anyway. i try for sex once or twice a month, bec i am living with him but were a shell . he once asked to speak with me in the morning – i told him id be gone by the time he was up- if it was me id have made darn sure to be up b4 he left .
    the really sad thing is we make so much sense on paper were both artists like the same things even appreciate the same people – he could listen to someone elses plight for the longest time – never mine- mind you but i learned not to cry it never helped.  One more thing for anyone out there to think about we have relatives or friends that died and some that are ill – one in particular had a bad marriage and now their spouse is ill- its too late for them – they could have tried but didnt bec it was too much for one of them – i dont want to be in any of their shoes.   
     my husband agreed on two occasions that he would see a marriage counselor with me – i told him to find one he liked as the one we went to years ago, he disliked and never went back to.  it never panned out – i didnt do the search myself bec i knew there was nothing for it , but that hed leave those as well i fi picked them.  he says he would go but his life is one big doctor and that hed have to tell his story over again to yet another person- never mind that im posting it here for every one –  i figured after all this if he really meant it – if our marriage meant anything to him at all., and he really did love us, hed find one . so far he hasnt

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