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I have to go….

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  • #2603

    Hi all – I’ve only posted here a few times but check it often and find great comfort in knowing I’m not alone.  I have decided that it’s time to leave my R(?)CG husband, who is also an alcoholic.  I told him a few weeks ago that I just couldn’t do this anymore, we talked and talked and talked (probably too much) and in the end I didn’t have the heart to say "it’s really over".  What slick talkers they can be, pushing all the right buttons and playing on our sympathy, eh?  Unfortunately in the end I don’t believe much of anything he says….I don’t think he’s gambling but can’t be certain, he has attended a few token AA meetings…but ultimately is incapable of being completely honest with himself, me, or anyone else.  My health is suffering, I have daily anxiety/panic attacks and swing wildly between feeling sad, scared, overwhelmed and trapped.  I don’t even know who I am anymore.  I gladly gave up everything for him two years ago when we got married and moved far from my home and family for his job transfer (not necessary, he could have stayed where we were).  Since then I discovered his gambling, drinking (3 DUIs, but he’s "not sure if he’s really an alcoholic") and he is now on job #3 (which he is on the verge of losing).  The stress is too much, the trust is gone and while I care for him very much I’m not in love with him anymore.  It just feels like it’s been one big lie.  Funny thing, I feel a little anger now and then, but mostly just incredible pain and sadness.  He’s not a bad man but I feel like I’m on a ship that’s going down.  I have to leave before I drown too – it’s time to take care of myself as I don’t know what more I can do for him.  I feel really vulnerable putting this out here in writing, hoping that I won’t be judged or condemned for this decision, but I think in my heart you all will understand.  Any advice or comfort you can offer would be greatly appreciated….*big sigh*….thanks for reading….   

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