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  • #2383
    m babz
    Participant

    Hi. I am new to this site and would like some support. Basically I have been with my cg for 8 years now. We have two young daughters. Last autumn I discovered he was a cg just a few months after getting married and a week after leaving hospital due to pregnancy related illness. I was sorting out my child’s Christmas pressies and my card got declined. When I went to the bank around £10000 of my money was missing. It came out that my husband had linked it up to a betting website and had gambled it all, put me £3000 into my overdraft, gambled all our child’s savings, gambled £15000 of his own money and put us £20000 in debt. At the time he joined gamcare and was getting online counselling. The past year has been very hard financially with a new baby, my pay being reduced as I was on maternity leave and the debts which were accrued. On boxing night this year we went out to celebrate my birthday. I left the bar with my sister inlaw and brother and my husband remained in the bar. I got phoned 2 the house by his father telling me that my cg “has lost all his money again and is going to throw himself into the sea”.my brother got him home and his aunt came and took him home. The following day my cg and his father came down to my house. His father and I had an altercation as he was telling me that I wasn’t thinking of my children and it wasn’t right of me to ask my husband to leave. He has also since told my parents that I was to blame as my cg and I have separate accounts and that he would’ve been able to spot the signs if he was in my situation. My cg has since returned home but I find it hard to believe anything he says, I cannot believe he loves me and I have no trust. I am also filled with resentment towards his father for the hurtful things he said. I just don’t know what to do. My family are very supportive financially and emotionally but think I am stupid for taking him back. I don’t know what to do anymore

    #2384
    velvet
    Moderator

     
    Hi Babz
    I’m glad you caught me before I closed the group. It was good to speak to you. 
    I will reply to your post thoroughly in the morning but for now I hope it helps to know that you are in the right place where there is no judgement – only understanding.
    It takes time to take everything in and you have had a dreadful experience. Your father in law is completely out of order and his bullying of you might explain some of his son’s problems although it doesn’t excuse his addiction.
    Your husband cannot trust himself so don’t worry that you cannot trust him – it is better not to do so. Sadly it is impossible to tell what a CG really feels when their mind is distorted with addiction but keep posting and hopefully we can get your strength back and the self-esteem that will have been taken from you. 
    You are stronger than your husband because you don’t own the addiction – he does. He is controlled and you are not. He lacks rationale and logic – you do not. It is easy to say ‘don’t listen to his father’ but I know it is hard not to do so. You ‘know’ you are a good mother and I hope you know and believe that your husband’s addiction is not your fault in any way at all. 
    When you don’t know what to do, stand still for a while and listen. You will make your own informed decisions when you are ready.
    Velvet xx
     

    #2385
    twilight16
    Participant

    Hi Babz,
    Wow, alot has happened and it is disheartening to read how your father in law is trying to shift the blame on you. He is obviously in denial about his son’s gambling and basically is enabling. HE should be telling his son to get his act together or he will lose his family. YOU are not responsible for your cg gambling. He did that all by himself and he will continue to be pulled down by the addiction if he doesn’t seek treatment for his gambling. Yet, he has to want it more than anything, otherwise he will just gamble again.
    I am a child of a cg, though I may have a different perspective of how gambling has effected me. I also saw how it effected my mother. She lived with it for so many years, covering up for his gambling and basically turned the other way when it was so obvious that he was gambling. Now that I have seeked recovery for myself. My mother has started to recover too. I guess my point here is that if don’t put your foot down with his gambling. It will keep on growing and getting stronger, doing more damge and before you know it your daughters will be older and they will suffer. They will see what it is doing to you. In some way they will suffer.
    Time will tell what your next steps will be. If you feel like kicking him out then do it and don’t look back. Don’t be manipulated by him wanting to throw himself in the sea. You know this is all a game. He just wants you to feel guilty.
    Your cg has gone some serious damage with your finances and I would not accept it just because he has a gambling problem. He ***** to make right for gambling family money as careless as he did. I would tell him that he ***** to get another job and replace all the money he took. How will he learn what he did was wrong? If he is truly remorseful he will do this. Regardless if your parents have money believed me even the richest person in the world would go broke bailing out a cg.
    Just remember that you are the one who has control of what happens with your cg. You can either live with it or not. You have every reason to feel the way you do and your cg should know how you feel. THis is not something that can be brushed away like it is not big deal. If your cg really wants to stop gambling he will. It can be done but that means no gambling period.
    I wish you support and comfort in this time in your life. I don’t think you are stupid for taking him back but now that you know he has a gambling addiction. What are you going to do for you and your girls? Remember, too, that no amount of screaming will get a cg in check. You must focus on you and your girls.
    Twilight(I believe we get our greatest strength from the hardest obstacles)– 1/6/2012 12:06:59 AM: post edited by Twilight16.

    #2386
    m babz
    Participant

    Thanks for everything last night velvet. It really helped to have someone understand what I’m going through and where I’m coming from x

    #2387
    m babz
    Participant

    Hi twilight. Thanks for your comment. It is useful to hear about cg from a child of a cg’s point of view. My husband says that he wants help and has been to the dr. We are currently waiting for a referral from mental health and addiction team but as he is awaiting a driving ban transport to this may be difficult.
    Since I found out last year I have not covered up his addiction and would’ve asked him weekly if he was gambling which he blatantly **** about. I don’t give him any money and take money off him to keep the house. I did not receive my money in december but thought this was due to underpayment in his wages and Christmas presents to buy for his parents. I now know he gambled his wages to try and make up the shortfall. I don’t think that I am an enabler but feel his father may be as he was in complete denial with me about this being the second time it had happened. He kept saying to me “anyone can make a mistake. He cant be punished for one mistake” when I pointed out this was the second time he continued with the anyone can make one mistake line. His father was also involved to a degree with my cg taking out payday loans which I was unaware of until long after he had done so. His father is also a **** as he told my parents he has been giving us money to keep the house every month. I know this is a complete *** as my cg does all his gambling online and I have recently accessed his bank account and there has been no money paid in to the account other than his wages and the few wins he had on bets. I also know that the money I got was not from his father either as I get my money transferred directly from my cgs account to mine. One of the reasons I took my husband home is because I feel he has a better chance of recovery with me as I am not in denial about everything that has happened. His father bets and I also think he is an emotional manipulator. He and my husband have their own personal issues also so I thought I would rather be in control than leave his father in control. Having said that I know that my husband has done wrong and there is no one to blame for that other than himself. I love him inspite of all the hurt he has caused me and my girls and how selfish he has been. I have given my parents all the children’s Christmas money to keep safe for me and I have also taken my cgs bank card and credit cards off him. I check his phone and bank account every day. He says the fear of being caught is the best deterrent he could have. However I am not naive and know if he really wanted to gamble he would not stop until he found a way. I plan to put the kids first and try to make sure that they do not go without and hope and pray that they do not pick up too much on the emotional side of it all

    #2388
    jenny46
    Participant

    Hi M
    My ex partner is a CG alledgedly now in recent recovery. I feel that your father in law will soon learn a sour lesson with regards to enablement and manipulation and I would have thought the least he would have done is appreciate the fact that his son was rescued from the sea and not pushed right into it !!!! However it appears that you may be dealing with 2 people with gambling issues not one, both of whom have their own agenda, perhaps achnowledging his sons issue properly may lead him to look at himself. Someone once said to me that which you dislike in other people may be what you fear in yourself.
    I would not use the word control in relaition to your CG too much if I were you, you will never control him and neither will your FIL and if you feel that you are in control of him at the moment then that is not really a good sign. Being in control of finances and in control of yourself is different from controlling him. The only person that can address his gambling is him.
    It is good that you plan to put your children first and unlikely that they can be totally protected from what is going on but you need to put you first to. Your children will be happier if you are happier!!
    I think many of us have developed our private detective skills to the point where they are second to none and bordering on being obssesive, much of our day taken up by checking up on our partners activity or in wondering what they are doing, when does the next bombshell land etc etc. It is possible that we can put nearly as much effort into gambling as they do!! unfortunately this is a game we can never stay ahead of but burn ourselves out trying. If a CG wants to gamble he will do so and so the lies and deceit get bigger. It is a waste of time and it is time taken from our children and our own lives become empty. Next time you feel the urge to check up, try doing something nice instead.
    Where money is concerned never think you know for fact what maybe the truth, it is highly likely your FIL has been giving him money but that your partner is better at concealing this fact than you are at discovering it. Other people who enable eventually find out they have made a mistake and infact have only helped him to become sicker by feeding his addiction. What is important is that your own finances are now protected.
    You are not responsible for his addiction. He is the only one that is responsible for his actions and also his own recovery, you can support him but ultimately he has to do it for himself. The only person you can change is you xx
     

    #2389
    m babz
    Participant

    Sorry dawn 22 I think I didn’t express myself well in regards to the control part of the post. I meant me taking control of the situation as a whole in how it affects my life rather than leaving him with his father who could manipulate my husband and thus change how things are dealt with such as covering up the issue rather than dealing with it and teaching him to become more deceitful. I am glad to hear feedback from you all because I was starting to wonder if perhaps I was actually wrong and my fil approach was right. I do not know what the future will hold for us and if my cg is telling the truth or what I want to hear. I do not know what to do. The first time I tried your suggestion of not “policing” all his Internet and banking because I was really sick throughout the pregnancy and it was hard enough with work, a child and a house to keep without basically having another child to deal with. Because of that approach the blame has been shifted to me this time in that I have been told if I had been keeping control of the financial aspect of our lives and monitoring Internet history etc it wouldn’t have happened. My fil has also told me that it is my responsibility to take over my cgs account, Internet etc. I feel like I have done nothing wrong and have been given another responsibility to add to my already abundant list of duties

    #2390
    jenny46
    Participant

    Hi M
    You monitoring internet usage etc would make no difference to him gambling, There are things I believe that can be installed  to block these sites and create barriers but unless someone wants to stop gambling M they will always find a way to do it.
    Without sitting in judgement of your FIL I believe what he is saying to you is wrong on many levels. It is wrong for your hubby for him to suggest that control of his addiction is down to you and that the results are in some ways are your fault, this only serves to help your hubby take less responsibility because this is what addiction wants to hear.
    It is wrong and harmfull to you as well for someone to try and give such a responsibility to you and leave you in such a position where it is possible for you to feel guilty and feel that you should do more or should have done this that and the other, it sounds like he is in denial but is bullying you with his nonsense.
    Even if your finances had been better protected at the time – he would still have gambled, enablement is giving someone the means to gamble and if he took it from you without your knowledge then that is not enablement on your part it is theft on his part and abusive of the trust you showed him. Prevention of this occuring again is all you can do to protect yourself.
    If FIL thinks that assisting him to get loans is helpfull then good luck to him but I have never heard of that ‘helping someone with a gambling addiction’
    I understand now what you meant by control and I see your point but from the point of view that his dads view is also demoralising you as a person and creating doubt in your mind. You are not responsible, but you are strong and you are doing well. Put your efforts in to you by dismissing from your thoughts the ramblings of this man and know that you are right in your own beliefs. Looking after you means you look to you to make you happy, it doesn’t depend on the actions of others ***

    #2391
    m babz
    Participant

    Dawn 22. Thanks for your kind works they have made me feel happier in myself and you have provided me with food for thought. It is helpful to share my experience with others that have been there in the past. I know I have a long journey ahead of me and can only take it one day at a time. I am not completely sure of my fil involvement with the loans but I do know he was aware of them long before it came out to me thus he was at the very least part of the deception. I just hope my husband can see what is truly at stake before he has lost his marriage and his family. Thank you for your support

    #2392
    velvet
    Moderator

     
    Hi Babz
    I hurried to my computer this morning and was re***ved to see that you had rep***s from Twilight and Dawn, both with a different perspective but like you and me – w are all sharing the same goal.
    As I said before I don’t know how much you know about this addiction – you are actually doing so well with it. The reason your husband ***s is because he knows no other way to handle his situation. He is, as a child, caught doing something he should not have done and he ***s. An adult ***** is very difficult and most of us back away the first few ***** it happens, not wanting to be***ve the obvious. Once the addiction has learned our weakness it never gives up. *** upon *** follows, even ***s for no reason. It becomes the normal way of life but it distorts the CG’s mind. When the CG looks back on what has happened and how they dealt with it they only see the ***. Their ***s have become their truth. 
    CGs need support and help to overcome this way of handling situations. They also need to learn to trust. Your husband appears to have the added problem that his father also struggles with truth. Your husband, if he can control his gambling, will not be able to trust his father and that is why it is so important that you are honest in your dealings with him. Don’t threaten anything unless you mean it. Don’t tell him that life is one thing if it is another – he ***** to hear truth. His addiction is the master of manipulation and if we make idle threats or *** to cover things the CG will not trust us. 
    I find the way you have dealt with your situation incredibly mature. Your children have one very responsible parent – you should be very proud of yourself.
    While your husband is waiting for his referral to the addiction team would you consider telling him about this site? We do have a wonderful Live Advice Helpline, contactable in the top right hand box by clicking ‘connect’ (as you did last night) when the helpline is open. They can help your husband as you and I cannot. They will support and understand and there will be no judgement. It is run by CGs who are in long term control of their addictions and also a dedicated counsellor. The CG groups are there for him too as is the forum ‘My Journal’.   If you are worried about him recognising you, we can alter your username and/or even make your thread invisible – not deleted. The group is obviously a place he cannot enter.   Personally I did not read anything my CG ever wrote as I be***ve this site is a place where the individual gets their support and that is what I feel we all want. 
    I cannot judge your father in law. It would appear that he has deep issue too but if those issues are affecting you or your husband then it is important, I think, to keep him out of the equation as much as possible.   I understand your resentment only too well but don’t let it cloud your judgement. What he is saying is irresponsible and plain daft so it is not worth fretting over but is worth trying to ignore. His mother, maybe is the stronger link even though she probably doesn’t feel it. Behind all over-bearing fathers, in my opinion, there is a woman trying to get out unless she has been so beaten down she has no will of her own. 
    The finest way you can support your husband is to look after you. Your husband’s life is chaotic and he will have caused a lot of grief.   If he really wants to change he will have to look at that chaos and grief and take responsibility for it. It takes great courage to do so. If you are part of the wreckage of his addiction then his task is greater.   So for yourself, your children and your husband put you first, make sure that you are healthy and looking after your *****. We cannot make our loved ones stop gambling but we can make a difference if they want to control their addiction but as victims we can’t change anything. 
    I was a victim Babz and I was pathetic. Fortunately for me my CG went into rehab and I put my recovery before his. It meant that when we tried to rebuild a broken relationship we had both advanced in our recoveries – we were both on our way to being whole again. 
    Has your husband heard about Gordon House? It is a terrific rehab centre. If he is interested you can get information from our Helpline either by contacting in the top right hand box or using the ‘Email Us’ at the top of this page.
    You sound a terrific person and you deserve a lot of support. I am glad you have found us
    Velvet
     
      Velvet

    #2393
    m babz
    Participant

    Thanks so much velvet. I will suggest this site to him. If he agrees I would like this thread made invisible as he would recognise from it and he gets very annoyed if anything negative is said about his father. We have had arguments about how his father has dealt with the situation which I feel has contributed to my insecurities. I am glad to have found some support and hopefully I will get some for my cg also. I have heard of that place is it a kind of rehab? Do they have it in N.I or just mainland U.K?

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