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Life after living with a CG..

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  • #2723
    lily
    Participant

    I thought it was about time I posted a bit about me as I have been reading for sometime but not posting. I had a relationship for many years with a CG in denial. At his hands I suffered emotional cruelty and financial hardship. I worked so hard to try and keep things together that some days I was physically sick with exhaustion. Looking back all the signs were there that he had a problem with gambling but for some reason I didn’t see them (perhaps I chose not too). I knew he gambled but believed it was a hobby, I resented the money he spent on it but had no idea how much was really going out every week; he had his own business so it was easy to hide.
    It wasn’t until we had our first child that I realised how bad things were. I couldn’t stand the disregard he treated our child with and began to realise just how desperate the financial situation was but couldn’t understand how it had got so bad. His behavior toward me got worse, really callous and heartless but it was his attitude toward our child that got to me in the end. After much soul searching I left him and it was only really after that I realised the extent of his gambling. The relief in leaving him was almost immediate but it has taken me a long time to rebuild my shattered self esteem and believe that I truly deserved better than the treatment I received. I still feel sad that he can not face his addiction and enjoy his life and child in the way that he should.
    We have been separated for a few years now but with the help of this site I have come to understand what was really going on for him as a CG. I can’t say I forgive his behavior but in understanding I can except that that is how it is for him. I still have regular contact with him because of our child but I have learnt how to deal with him and put strong boundaries in place and always stick by them no matter what the excuse. He rarely even tries to manipulate me any longer, he can see I have changed and moved on, that now I believe in myself. I live a happy and fulfilling life and have built a safe, happy environment for my child. Of course from time to time there are issues and that is tough when it could affect your child but mostly I can deal with them in a calm and rational manner and see past any games that are being played. I feel detached from him and the gambling emotionally which makes it easier, I recognise him as an addict and know that is his driving force.
    I have come to realise that a CG can learn to control his addiction and take back his own life if he has the will. My partner did not have the will and it would seem still doesn’t, so in my case if I had stayed with him the addiction would of claimed two victims (perhaps three if you consider our child). Some relationships like mine do not survive this addiction; others do because the CG has the will to change and takes the necessary steps to get help. However whatever the outcome you can still make your own happy ending by working on your own recovery and believing in yourself.
     
      “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” (Maria Robinson)

    #2724
    velvet
    Moderator

     
    Hi Lily
    Welcome to Gambling Therapy and the F&F forum.
    You have certainly come a long way from the first time you registered as a member and I am pleased you are posting as well as writing now.
    It seems that this site has already done a lot for you without realising it. I know that many do read and not post but it is good, I think, to make contact so that others can benefit.  The more we all speakl with a united voice the better it is.  We never know which bit we say could make a difference to someone.
    It was good to meet you in the group last night. What is said in the group stays in the group and I hope you will return. You were being supportive but remember it is always good to take support as well whenever you need it. 
    Your positivity is a joy to read and I hope you will continue in your recovery and understanding. 
    Loads of Love
    Velvet xx 

    #2725
    movedon
    Participant

    Hi Lily
    I’m so glad you posted!
    Reading much of your post is like the story of my own experience – & as you probably also think when reading others posts about their experiences with an active CG it is uncanny how similar our dealings are.
    I was totally blown away when I came accross this site to read others posts literally say what I was thinking – wow did I begin to feel sane then!!!!- it is the first time I truly began to understand this very sad addiction – & also the first time I began to truly come to peace with my own decision like you to leave my active CG –
    Like your story Lily, having spent time with an active CG spouse we do come out emotionally battered & bruised, & as in my case pretty much in financial ruin!! but I’ve no regrets – today I am so relieved I had the courage to go it alone & not accept that the addiction continue to control my life.
    Step by step we can rebuild our finances (without the burden of an active CG draining funds) – & one day at a time we can rebuild our lives – for us & for the better of our childrens future.
    We have to come to the acceptance that we are not responsible for the CG – or their recovery, we are responsible only for our own personal recovery.
    So, thanks again for your post – we are no longer victims to gambling addiction & that is worth celebrating!
    There’s always light at the end of the tunnel even if sometimes you have to try really hard to see it!– 25/08/2010 14:03:50: post edited by movedon.

    #2726
    twilight16
    Participant

    Hi Lily, welcome to this site! I agree this site has been so helpful. It has really given my life back. I know without it I wouldn’t have been able to really stay firm to my true desire to break away from my cg (father) and live a normal and happy life without the great support of GT.I
    really really really believe your strength and perserverance to break ties with your cg has provided your child with a much better future. I know all to well how it was to live with my cg father for most of my life. He eventually drained me not only financially but mentally and emotionally. My life was pure torture, always wondering when he would come around and want something from me and I just didn’t have it in me at the time to say no to him and would enable him. However my life is much different now, I haven’t spoken to him close to two years.
    I agree with you when you said, you are not sure if you can forgive your cg behavior because I feel the same way about my cg. I have come to understand the addiction of gambling but with the knowledge of it I also believe it is the responsibility of the cg to seek help. I know I wlll never have a realtionship with my father if he keeps denying his gambling addiction. He has two beautiful granddaughters who I won’t allow him to see. It just can’t stomach him trying to con his granddaughter for his gambling. I honestly don’t hold it past him. We know a cg will resort to desperate measures, so the fact remains he still is in denial about his gambling.
    It is great you are now posting now. I know other members will be grateful for your wisdom and strength.
    Have a great evening!
    Twilight

    #2727
    lily
    Participant

    HI Everyone and thanks for making me feel so welcome. It is so true what you said movedon about how reading the posts from others is like looking at the strands of your own life at *****, that shared understanding is what makes this site so helpful I think. I can only imagine what you have been through as the child of a CG Twilight and I am glad you have found such support from this site, being close to a CG can be the lone***st place in the world. I strive everyday to ensure I protect my son from the type of childhood you endured. Velvet it was great to talk to you in the group and reestablish our connection, you are a support and inspiration to many I think.
    My story however had one ending and it has turned out to be a happy ending for me. I feel I must point however that it is not the only possible ending and many CG do seek treatment and go on to rebuild their relationships with loved ones after treatment. I just wanted to show that there is no right or wrong solution, the right answer is the one that works for you. As I became a stronger person and started to look at things more clearly the answer to my situation was became obvious. I feel it is so important to take care of yourself and be prepared to look to your own recovery as that is where the answers ultimately ***. Thanks again for you support, Lil X “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” (Maria Robinson)

    #2728
    maiseyrose
    Participant

    Hi Lily,
    Thank you for posting your story.  You have come a long way and it is great to hear.  You are a strong lady and I know that your story will give many the courage and positivity they need to take whatever steps they must make.
    It was very nice to meet you in the group on Monday night and a big thank you to you, Looby Loo and Velvet for the words of comfort and strength.  I had reached a point and you were all there for me when I needed support.  I think that for now, I will stick to the F & F group and will hopefully see you and others there on Monday night.  I’ll put the kettle on… 
    I am really glad to say (in brief for now) that things have progressed in my CG taking steps to recovery and I am more positive that there is hope. 
    I don’t know where I’d be without the support from everyone on this site and from those I’ve communicated with in the last few days in the groups.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  Today, I feel a little bit taller!
    Velvet, as you suggested, I would be very grateful if you were able to do what you suggested regarding my previous post ( and replies).  I don’t know how to do this myself.
    With love,
    Maisey ***
     

    #2729
    lily
    Participant

    Hi Maisey, I am so glad you posted on my thread, I wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you after the group but it would of brought your thread back up and I thought you might not want that. I am glad their have been some positive signs and I look forward to hearing more. Most importantly it is good to hear you sounding happier and feeling supported. I hope meet you in the group again, remember you deserve support for yourself. What you discussed can be done through the helpline I think. I have used them in the past and they are very supportive and helpful so don’t be afraid to pop in, they are only there on weekdays though. Lil x “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” (Maria Robinson)

    #2730
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Maisey
    If you are considering my suggestion then it sounds as though your husband is prepared to take a different step forward to the one he tried before.  Please contact the helpline in the top right hand box.  Just click on ‘conect’ when it is open and they will do as you ask and explain to you how it works and what it means.
    I look forward to seeing you in the group.
    Loads of Love
    Velvet **********************

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