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Life Without your Son

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    looby loo
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    First of all, I have to report that as from January 2012 I am coming out of retirement. Many of you will know I retired from my FT job back in May this year to assist my daughter with childcare. Well, now we have established a pattern of work/care I decided that I could manage 1 or 2 days back in a working environment, as I believed there was life in the old dog yet !!!
    I began to look a while ago, but the job climate is not good as we know. About 4 weeks ago I saw a position for an administrator for a charity based in the city. It is for 4hrs per week and I applied. I was interviewed on Wednesday and received a call yesterday from the CEO offering me the post. He said they interviewed 6 and 3 were appointable, but he commented that the interviewers felt I was Amazing !!!! and they asked for my reference on Wednesday evening and he received it first thing Thursday morning and said it was outstanding – I am so chuffed – another step in my new life and direction which I need right now !!
    This is long – prepared ?
    Well now here I am writing after yesterday/today’s shinnagans !! Twas payday for son yesterday, and as it loomed during the week, my stomach got that sick feeling. I know how hard he has worked this month, how he has pushed himself. The gf from Oz is due here on 18 December and there was much he wanted to do before that. Budgetted plans for a new TV, Furniture, Playstation, Christmas gifts pay off some of the money to the gf mum (for stolen jewellery last year), food, footy trip to Hull today, to name but a few. All things I really thought, gosh, he is taking on a lot, and yet I wanted him to be able to see what he could do for working so hard. On Thursday, I rightly or wrongly offered to have his card after he got cash for yesterday and today, as I could not go with him to draw the rent yesterday (he had asked me to) as I was going to Thursford for the Christmas Spectacular (and brilliant it was too). So I felt that by offering the limitation to cashpoint visits it would help and be a ‘damage limitation’. He said he would think about it, but what if he ran out of money. I explained that if he had budgetted then he would not run out of money, as he wouldn’t be able to, but just said, make an informed choice and let me know. I did not hear anything from him, so called yesterday morning before I left to see what he had decided – it was 6.30am and I could hear traffic, I asked where he was, and his reply was that he was just checking his account to make sure he had been paid correctly. I asked if he had and he said yes and that he had also been given the money for the phone that was no good. All positive then, but I was astonished he had to be out so early to check the account, in fact I felt it was rather a sad state of affairs, but I never mentioned the looking after the card and said I would pick him up Monday to go shopping as planned. Then he said,I am going to the bank to pay xxxx(gf’s mum) money in, and I am going for a TV, I asked, what before he went to work, his reply, yes, I said how would he get to Tesco, ‘I will catch a bus’ it wont take me long !! I was flabberghasted, we had arranged to get a TV on Monday with the food and we have been ferrying him here, there and everywhere, no mention of catching a bus to us – of course because no money until he got paid. At that point I said where do you have to pay the money in HSBC, ahhhh, so I quickly said, well whilst in there why don’t you also trsf your rent to me and the money you owe me at the same time (£10 for a christmas tree/decorations (which he asked me to look for) and £40 for some IKEA furniture we bought locally from a girl who wanted cash on Wednesday (and it was really a bargain)!!He did not ask me to pay – I offered !!! He agreed and took the details of the account. When I got home last night I checked my banking, guess what – yep no rent and no £50. I called him, no answer, I text him and just said no money, what was the problem, no answer – we went to bed.
    I got up this morning and called, no answer, I text and asked him to call me, no answer. So we went over at around 11.30am with the tree and decorations to see if he was in (I did have a key again but told hubby under no circumstances would we let ourselves in). Hubby knocked and tried the door, it opened, there he was, spark out, paralytic drunk – could hardly speak and said he had only been in half an hour !!! Clothes dropped where he had stood, beer cans and evidence of Superdry bags, new trainers, new TV (already installed), new clothes, Quality Street, blah, blah and blah. I could see why he had not answered my calls ……………………………So, I put the stuff on the floor, gave him his key and said ‘shall we take the tv/dvd and freeview box’ (which had lent whilst he got on his feet)? ‘Please yourself – you will anyway’ !!! I asked why he had not replied to calls or trsf money – his reply ‘coz I knew it would piss you off’, and ‘I thought you said you would pay half for the TV for Christmas’, I said I would have like to have done that by myself not for him to presume he could not pay the £50. I gave him his key and said I wanted no part in having a key to his accommodation,shut the door on him and left.
    That’s it, no games to play, not getting involved in them. Of course I would have been delighted with his purchases, if he had bought what he could afford, but clearly there is a deep problem with him and money. I don’t believe he has gambled, I believe he has indulged himself instead, which is probably just as bad – well not really, as at least this time he has something to show for his hard earned. He made his choices he has to live with those now. But…… we have also made ours. We will no longer be party to abuse, once again we have outlived our usefulness to him. If he has spent the rent too then by the end of the week he will be homeless, as I know his landlord will cut no crap!
    So, ‘there’s a lesson to be learned’ and ‘the Christmas we get we deserve’, are lines of 2 well know songs that have been in my mind all day. Have I cried ? No, am I angry ? No, am I sad ? a little I suppose, do I have my own life to live, a good life, full of people who do care about me and don’t abuse me? of course I have and for that I am eternally grateful. This is the very end of the line for us now – we have protected in our own stupid way for too long, I can see that much. there will be no more protection, there will be no more ‘lending’, there will be no more saying ‘you can do it son’, there will be no more visits for tea – here or at his. No matter how hard we have tried, no matter what tack we take, it is clear to see that our son is a very selfish man for sure. I feel ashamed to say that of my own flesh and blood, but I have to be honest to myself or I am worth nothing. Much love xxxx
    PS: Some people reading this might be thinking God what does she want ? isn’t she happy and overjoyed he hasn’t gambled it away – but I know others of you will resonate with my feelings about his purchases and the way he has conducted himself !!!
    We must look forward and must never look back, we cannot change what has already happened. The future is brighter.Looby Loo– 03/12/2011 18:11:31: post edited by Looby Loo.

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