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My Dilemma

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  • #2590

    Hi, all, it’s great to find this space.
    I got a gambler husband too. It’s such a big blow when I just found it. I gave up my promising professional career in Beijing and thought I could have a nice, peaceful life with my husband in nz. But the reality is so cruel.
    I have read quite a few postings here, they are very helpful. Now I hope I could get some advices about my situation too.
    As the self introduction I just put on, I found my husband gambled two years ago when I finally quit my job and moved to live with him. Actually he has a quite long history of gambling, maybe has been gambling all his life. He came from a quite decent family and has had a quite good life with his first wife and two kids. But they divorced 8 years ago. I think his gambling became worse from then on. We had quite a lot of arguments after I just found it out. I couldn’t understand his behaviors and went to read anything I could find about gambling. The more understanding I got about gambling, the more I feel sad for him, for the marriage and myself too. It’s a certainly daunting task to get rid of it.
    Our relationship nearly broke twice, but I persuaded myself to give him more chances as I thought I am the only person who could give him a lit bit help. He promised, but of course he never kept it as any gambler. Last week, I found his bank statement and it showed he gambled $1000 last fortnight. I am just devastated. I found actually I just couldn’t help him at all. We had a big argument after this, his attitude changed a lit bit. He said he loves me a lot. I believe this. He always refused to see the counselor, but this time he agreed, and he also admitted that he hurt me in some degree. This is the first time he said this after 2 years I suffered from his gambling.
    But problem is, I am scared by how well he could lie, I couldn’t pluck up enough courage to face the situation again. Even without the gambling, I feel we are wrong match already. I think maybe the best option is to divorce. But I do care him. I just couldn’t speak out “I am leaving” when he said that he would be completely lost if I left him. I know it’s true. He has no friends, his kids have gone to Australia with his ex. He used to be quite close to his mother, but is not that case now.
      Now, I found I am in a dilemma. To me, even without gambling, I still think this marriage is wrong. He is a nice guy, agreeable, sometime lovely, he could do some housework, but he is so bad on communication and very short-fused. I have to say, he did change in some degree in this two years, more patient, start to listen to other people, start to talk about the future plan such as a trip to South America, working very hard.  Maybe I could say he is starting to wake up. But as he hurt me such a lot before, (I gave up my effort to try to get my own kid because of his gambling.) I couldn’t forget all this pains. And I am also not confident about his mental power to control himself.
      As I am 15 years younger than him, very possibly I could build up a new and better relationship if I leave him. But I feel soooo sad for him, it just like you know someone will fall off from a cliff if you lose your hand. I just couldn’t do it. But I don’t think my staying could help him out, as I have tried so hard.
    I just couldn’t work out a way to solve the problem. Please give me some advices, I will be very appropriated.

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