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need advise

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  • #1944
    lucia123
    Participant

    My partner is a gambler. He has been gambling for 2yrs and I have known abt it, it started as hobby but now his obsest with it. He used to drink a lot then he stoped when he started gambling. We have lots our home cos of gambling didn’t know he was not doing the payments for the bond till I found the later for eviction. Now we renting and staying with our 3 kids 2 r at school and the way his going with the gambling he won’t be able to pay the fees. I’m not working but I have decided to start looking for one cos I see a doomed future if I don’t work. I have never told anyone abt this. Should I? Mybe his family could help him cos everytime I bring it up he gets angry and say I’m nagative that’s why he looses. I don’t wanna deal with this anymoreM partner has been gambling for 2yrs now and now is getting worse cos we lost our home and now we renting. We have kids at school, lately is a tragle to pay for the fees and rent. He has been spending more time in the cosinos than at home. He says his business is not doing well that's why he gamblels to make more more. But I think that is just a lie. I think when he says he is at work he assualy gambling. When his home is when he has no money to gamble. He blames me for everything if I tell him how gambling is affecting us he will start saying I'm nagative that's why he looses. I don't know wat to do anymore cos I'm not working but I'm looking for a job so I can leave him and take my kids away from him.  

    #1945
    velvet
    Moderator

     
    Dear Lucia
    Welcome to Gambling Therapy
    I am sorry I have not replied sooner but I have been away for Easter. I am glad that you heard from Larry because as always he makes a lot of sense.
    I cannot tell you what to do because that would be wrong – you have to make your own decisions but hopefully sharing and talking will help you do that.  
    The addiction to gamble is very secretive and your husband’s addiction wants you to take the blame.   The addiction is divisive and it will not want you to talk to his family but if his family do not know they cannot support him in the right way.  If you do talk to them it would be good if you could tell them that you have sought help and that you are aware that clearing his gambling debts feeds his addiction and is the wrong way to support a CG (compulsive gambler). 
    The lies, manipulation, anger are all part of your partner’s addiction and he ***** the right treatment.    As Larry says you can direct him to the right treatment but you cannot stop him gambling and the best thing you can do is to protect yourself.   I know how upsetting living with this addiction can be but getting angry with your husband or getting into arguments with him will not help. His addiction likes confrontation, it is the master of threats and manipulation and I suspect you are not.  
    If you get a job it is important that you do not give your husband cash. Giving cash to a CG, is the same as giving a drink to an *********. If you look at the forum below this one called ‘Friends and Family Topic Forum’ you can see where we have focussed on ‘enablement’ – I hope that will help you.    Ensure the money you earn is in your name and that he has no access to it.  
    At the top of this page click on to ‘Resources’ and in ‘Location’ scroll down to ‘World’. Click ‘Gambling help’ and then ‘Search’.   Scroll down to ‘Gamblers Anonymous – Twenty Questions’. Most compulsive gamblers will answer yes to at least seven of these questions.   In my opinion most members who have lived with the compulsion to gamble will also be able to answer yes to at leave seven of those questions.   It might help to print them off and leave them for you partner to see – he may not realise that he is not alone and that he ***** help.   If he screws them up and throws them away do not worry – you could do no more.
    Please update soon.    We have live Friends and Family groups (***** in the top right hand box of this page) and you would be welcome to join us and communicate in real time.   Do you have a Gamanon group near you?   Gamanon is the sister group of GA (Gamblers Anonymous).   There is no shame to be felt that this addiction is in your life – you are not to blame for your husband’s addiction and you do need to protect yourself. 
    I look forward to hearing from you again
    Velvet
     
     

    #1946
    sw3
    Participant

    Well, Lucia123, first of all, thanks for coming to this forum and sharing your personal experience about you and your partner. Unfortunately, the story you’re telling is not unique. This is the type of thing we hear all the time when you’re talking about the throes of compulsive gambling addiction. The very first thing that ***** to happen, is that your partner ***** to understand and be willing to accept the fact that gambling has beat him, that there is only recovery ahead of him, and that the road that he is currently traveling on will only lead to him losing you and make things worse for himself. If somebody is not ready to begin their program of recovery there isn’t anything you can do to stop it except protect yourself and that’s a really important thing. So if he’s open to the idea of true recovery then I would certainly find your closest local gamblers anonymous meeting. Go to gamblers anonymous website which is gamblers anonymous .org and if you put in your local zip code into the meeting search you’ll find a number of meetings that are within ten or fifty miles of your local area. Either way I wish all the best and I hope you keep us all in the loop in this forum.
    All best to you,
    Sean

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