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New Shoes…

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  • #2011
    sosad
    Participant

    I have thought I was doing so well all week.  That I was walking in my cool new hiking boots and ok about living my life in whatever way it turned out – whether my partner would finally want to come along or not…
    But now I feel derailed right back where I started.  Well, maybe not quite that far back, but nonetheless, I feel scrambled again.  I cried so hard and so long yesterday that my head still hurt this morning.  Today I feel a little better.  Is this better for me?  Is this faster for me to feel better?  I want to believe that I am not completely doing the same stupid things and thinking the same stupid thoughts over and over again – that at least I am making some progress for myself.
    Urrgg!!  It is so difficult to know what is true and what isn’t and what will work and what won’t.  I just feel foolish for being scrambled all over again.  Wow, I’m having a fine little pity party, aren’t I!  :S
    I told him about this site so he could read, so now I feel like I can’t write 100% freely.  Part of me thinks I probably shouldn’t care, that I should just use this for me no matter what, if he reads and doens’t like it, oh well.  But I guess I am still feeling somewhere in me that what I say or do will influence whether he really truly chooses recovery or not, although I know from experience, everything I have done or said to this point has not really mattered.
    I found myself in a dumb conversation again, getting caught up, not aware until it was too late that really, I was probably just talking to the addiction again…and no matter what I said, or did, it didn’t matter – I was wrong, I don’t care about him, he is trying so hard and I am shutting him out.  I’m in trouble because I didn’t email him during the week or call him yesterday, when we had agreed to something totally different, and in fact I thought that he had disappeared again because he had gone off the rails and couldn’t bring himself to talk to me.  He says this is not the case, that he hasn’t had a bet, which would make it around 14 days I think.
    Somehow I am supposed to be giving and giving and giving despite everything, despite not receiving very much back except promises that so far I have no idea whether they are true or not.  I am supposed to be able to keep my heart wide open even though his has been shut down it seems forever…I have never been able to shut my heart off before and all of a sudden these past weeks it just sort of happened – not that I was trying, or that I don’t love him just as much, just that somehow it shifted for me and now I am accused of shutting him out.   🙁  What does he expect??  I don’t get it.  Am I expected to just carry on letting my heart get battered?  To trust immediately and want to jump right back into intimate conversations and being close?  I just don’t, I need real, honest proof that things are changing.  I have no idea otherwise, do I.  Not a clue.  The dumb conversation ends with lots of words like: well, is that it then?  will we still talk?  I am putting other things ahead of him, so I must not care!  Every time we talk he thinks I just go on and on about how bad he is and its never fun-this is not 100% true-I don’t think I am saying he is bad because I want proof of what is going on with respect to recovery, that I can’t just assume or blindly believe. And then he has a go at me, telling me all manner of what is wrong with me, which I know can just be a defense mechanism, but for godsake could we get past that already!  Am I expecting too much?
    He says he has given over control of his money to a family member and thats all good.  I, as of yet, have not had the conversation I need to have in order to know if this is actually true.  I will do that this week.  Tonight I keep thinking, well, what if he really has done this and gone to a meeting this past week and that he really means it this time and its true and he needs my support and i’m not giving it, is that fair of me??  He doesn’t think so, but I just don’t know.  He says his conversation in the meeting for him was about me, about how I make him feel worse!!??  That sometimes he just wants to tell me where to go – this is still some kind of denial – I am not friggin’ responsible for this addiction at all!  Of course I am struggling.  There is no appreciation for the fact that I have been believing (things I shouldn’t have been believing at all) and supportive all this time and now he is just going to shut down because I am shutting him out.  I think I would jump right on board to support him if I knew that there was something to support that is true – otherwise, am I not just enabling the addiction itself??  I do find that I am beating myself up sometimes for not having this all figured out by now, especially as my latest round of tears just caught me off guard as I thought I was doing so well, only to realize maybe not and then have him tell me that I am not doing well enough by him either – Urrgg!!!
    I realize that my version of love and support up to now may have been missing the mark because I knew nothing about this stupid addiction.  I was trying my best and I can only continue to try and learn and do my best now – for me and if he chooses recovery, for him as well.  Its so hard when there is so much hurt and pain on both sides and while I don’t expect him to empathize with me and my fears all the time, I especially don’t want to be rushed to do anything I don’t want to do before I am ready to do it, and I don’t want to be his flippin’ counsellor either.  I don’t know where the line is, where is the right line of support for him without losing myself again.  I guess it really does boil down to what is true and can be proven and therefore can be supported.
    Well, that was quite a whiney ranting brain dump, wasn’t it.  Thanks for listening, I feel better having ranted, at least its out of my head for now.
     
     
     

    #2012
    velvet
    Moderator

     
    Hi Boots
    You are not back where you were before – with knowledge the only way we can go back would be denial and you are not in denial.
    I cannot tell you what to do but my thoughts are these.   Whether or not he is in recovery should make little difference to you rebuilding a life where you have confidence in yourself and buckets of self-esteem.
    Either way you cannot expect him to change if you don’t get those hiking boots back on and carry on striding down the road you were going which doesn’t take you away from him or towards him
    The dumb conversation (which I am sure wasn’t dumb) came about when the parameter headings you had set yourself slipped and they do because desk surfaces are slippery.  
    What is he asking you to give?   Nobody could expect anybody (I think), CG or not, to plan a wedding when there has been such a long separation, especially when it has not been the easiest of separations.   If he wants answers from you, you cannot give them.  
    Of course he should not be telling you all manner of things that are wrong with you – but I do think it is good to listen as it gives an indication of his state of mind. You know what is true and what isn’t, so beating yourself up over a load of piffle is a waste of energy.        
    At the moment the future is unknown and all options are on the table.  Informed decisions should only be made when you are ready.
    He cannot, I think, give you the proof you want and would need before you entered a life-time commitment until you meet him again.  
    If he talked about you at his meeting, all the other members probably expected him to do so – CGs who are trying to recover, or in recovery, do not fall for the blame game from new members which is what they all probably did at the beginning.   As a CG said to me a long time ago ‘you can’t kid a kidder’.   They don’t sit there accepting everything a new member says but they allow the member to speak.   My CG blamed me for at least the first 3months when he was in rehab.   It mattered not to me. I wasn’t there but the people who were there allowed him to work out that I was not to blame.  
    If he is in GA and he is working the 12 steps and not paying lip service he will change and maybe you will get to see that change when you speak to him.  
    I will leave it there because I know I will see you in a group soon where there is total privacy.
    Get those boots on again and get walking. Visit more friends, take up more activities. Do the things you want to do.   Prop up the barrier headings again by your computer.  We will speak soon.
    Velvet

    #2013
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    Hey Sosad
    In many situations I do find it better that CG’s dont read their partners posts. There are lots of reasons why that really im not going into. After spending so long talking to you its become clear that you have many qualities shared by so many others but you also have a very different situation to many others. Distance and that alters the whole dimension of your recovery.
    When you write on here Im positive there is nothing but 100% truth about how you feel, how his actions make you feel, how the distance makes trust & truth become gray.
    For me personally I love your posts and everything ive read has never contained any malicious or manipulating situations.. just facts and truth as you percieve them.
    You wrote "I told him about this site so he could read, so now I feel like I can’t write 100% freely. Part of me thinks I probably shouldn’t care, that I should just use this for me no matter what, if he reads and doens’t like it, oh well"
    Sosad you should write freely its a human given, sure of your going to use it as a way of attacking then no, but thats not you. What helped me the most and Im I wont write it here was seeing the face of one person, someone I never meant to hurt but you havent got the ability for him to see you at your low points. Maybe the truth will allow him to see the consequencies of his actions and take full ownership of this addiction….maybe thats what he trully ***** to hear.
    Take Care
    H"You may never know what results come from your actions.  But if you do nothing there will be no result".  – Mahatma Gandi

    #2014
    looby loo
    Participant

    Hi So Sad
    Get those New Shoes walking down YOUR road, taking you where YOU want to go.  As we know the journey has many twists and turns and they are not always where we want to find ourselves.  You certainly are not dumb, and are not right back where you started,  this addiction is evil, coniving, and manipulative, all things we both know, and IF WE LET IT, will drag us back in so quickly.  You my dear, are always 1 step ahead of that game.
    If your CG is reading, and you will have no proof that he is, then whatever he reads into your postings will be down to him.  You can always change you alias should you need to, but Harry is right, this forum is yours, to write what you feel and get it off your chest and it is a given that you should be able to do just that much.
    Like you, we have distance between us and our CG and it is so much harder to sometimes ‘just get on with life’ in some ways, but in others it is so much easier !  However, it is also very difficult to ‘gauge’ the temperament of our CG’s and take what they say as ‘real’.  We are much more guarded these days in how much we communicate when son should ring and we keep things very much on a level and we have noticed a great deal of difference by taking this tack 🙂  
    We will not know for some time whether our CG’s are in real recovery, as we know they can ‘play the tune’  and without concrete evidence we cannot believe.
    I wanted to let you know I am still walking with you. 
    Thanks also for the post on my thread, there was no visit this weekend, his employment took over, as the Head Chef left unexpectedly and son was left ‘holding the fort’.  It wasn’t a problem to us, we had plenty to do and although I do want to see him, there is no pressure on him to come.  After all, it was his plan to do so.  I did mention to him about our 30 Wedding Anniversary meal in March and explained that I really wanted to talk to him face-to-face to discuss his attendance, but without hesitation he said ‘I will be there Mum, I will be there, I will transfer the money to you’.  I explained that none of the invitees were paying and there was therefore no requirement to transfer any money and that we would discuss when he had more time.
    I will leave it there for now as I feel i have just hijacked your thread xxxxEveryone has a destiny, it's up to us whether we choose to follow it though !Looby Loo

    #2015
    twilight16
    Participant

    Hi Sosad,
    All that you are feeling and expressing is very much part of your recovery. We learn from these emotional and draining episodes. It is so familiar for the cg to turn the tables on the noncg saying we make them feel worst, we are being irrational but we have every right to feel like we do. We have been **** to, manipulated and worse. In my book actions always speak louder than words and if I were you I would not make any life moving changes. If he is in recovery he hasn’t been in it for long enough. Just to say he is going to meetings is not enough. Listen to your gut and don’t let him or anyone else make you feel guilty. Experiences change us and you’ll see eventually you will know what is the right choice for you. So keep walking in your new shoes and walk with a smile knowing you will be fine either way. XXXTwilight
    (I believe we get our greatest strength from the hardest obstacles)

    #2016
    ell
    Participant

    Hi sosad
    Please allow me to tell you that this site in here is the only the only true thing in our lives . The knowledge you are having from the site and from the posts you make …  make you feel better and gave you power that  is wonderful. Don’t let anyone to take this from you . It is your help .it is you. You must not make yourself believe that now when your cg start reading the site you can not 100% be truly. If your cg read and understand who is you  when he is in truly recovery  he will understand you he will come with you and he will no judge you . If he is not in truly recovery he will blame you for what you are writing.
    My cg one day read some of my thoughts. That happened at the start and he was a little angry I suppose a little something …and he said that is not like this  and he was angry . So I said to him  that when you read someone thoughts  you must be prepare  that you will read things that you maybe don’t like  so now you know my thoughts change them if you can, I’m here and I’m listening. Give me the answers and the proofs I need to change my thoughts.
    Take your time sosad. Velvet  looby twilight and harry is so so right,
    With your boots walk the roads, you are strong you are brilliant you are intelligent woman…Keep making yourself stronger and the time for decisions will come without realize it. Everything will come when the time is right for you… Now you don’t need to give nothing to anybody. Be good with yourself you deserve it girl!
    With all my love ell
     
     — 5/2/2013 1:59:41 µµ: post edited by ell.

    #2017
    jenny46
    Participant

    Hi Sosad
    As you know I recently fell foul of my posts being read and no it didn’t go down very well at all and caused a fair amount of problems, having said that it was about how I saw things and how I felt at the time. If I was writing that post today after several weeks of reflection I may have worded it differently, who knows ? as I am writing to you now I am maintaining an awareness of who may be reading and their motives for doing so and my advice to you is to do the same. Things may be said that are uncomfortable for someone to read, their perspective on a situation may be very different, there is often no rights or wrongs, just differing oppinions. As we have a choice to write then so there is a choice to read I guess.
    I would like you to know Sosad that we have been able to get past that episode, I wrote it, he read it, but we are still together it is just one small part of the bigger picture. I think the thing for me about this sort of thing is that it is by no means a form of communication and if one reads to know what the other is thinking and vice versa then the normal opportunities for discussion are missed and there is little opportunity to explain mismatches in understanding. I would love to say, carry on writing as you were but I also know that it is not easy to do so as sometimes we want to vent without causing offence or without being overly analysed !! and neither do we want to be manipulated. In an ideal world it would be nice to have an aspect to the forum that could not be read by absolutely everyone! You may not want to care but the fact remains that you do.
    Things do shift somewhere within us, I feel there is a time when we are no longer controlled by the addiction even if our loved one is. We may not like the fact that they are not in recovery but in an odd way it no longer has the same effect. I don’t think it happens on its own SoSad I think it happens as a result of you taking control of your recovery and accepting that there is not much you can do about his and if his happens, then even better.
    You have put the work into this by taking steps forward in your own life and although maybe it doesn’t feel so rewarding if you again find yourself under attack from him in a different way, it is good to see that it is noticeable that his addiction is now not the complete focus of your life and that you are finding things to do which make you feel happy. Why would you not choose to put other things first and not a destructive addiction ?
    My feeling is that further into recovery he may not have the expectations of you that he currently seems to have, why would you suddenly change over night and have the trust necessary to confide and hold intimate conversations if these have dried up due to his gambling addiction, not really very realistic of him is it ? As you said you need proof, he may not be able to give you what you need immediately but continued actions in the right direction are useful. Putting you down or criticising you, blaming you, turning everything around is the behavior of the addiction and is not condusive to encouraging intimate conversations really, is it ? When you say you need proof, what can he say or do that you will believe at this stage and furthermore should you be believing it ? Proof of another handling finances is not proof that there is no gambling – not wishing to rain on your parade or anything. It is the changes in behavior that happen slowly and subtly that convince me.
    My reflections on my own situation was that we talked to other people, on here, in meetings etc both of us ***** footed around the other, walking on eggshells – really we seemed to have the same problem in different ways, if that makes sense. As a result nothing that should have been said, was said, resulting in all sorts of missed opportunities. But as I said eventually we got past that one !! talking to others but not each other.
    You are doing well SoSad, the distance can be a negative and it can be a positive, you can make it work for you or against you. Although you may think you don’t know where the line is, I think you know more than you think you know !! if you read your post again you will see that you do recognise where it is.Even without the addiction in the mix it is easy to look back and imagine all sorts of ways in which we would handle things differently, its just life. Just because you feel scrambled does not mean you are. You have learned to put you further up your own list of priorities – whats wrong with that ?
    Jenny xx
     
     
     We see things not as they are, but through how we are today x

    #2018
    sosad
    Participant

    Hi Velvet, Harry and Looby,
    Thank you all so very much for your replies.  Harry, I really appreciate your affirmation about posting – I do try really hard in my life, not just in writing here, to own my own judgements and not be attacking or mean.  I know I don’t always manage this successfully, which is why I keep trying!  Practice makes perfect – haha – that’ll be the day, hey.
    It really means so much to me to be able to write openly and not feel fearful of being judged for going in circles sometimes and re-visiting what I thought I’d learned and apparently need to learn in more depth AND to share the celebrations of the good parts too – when I do learn something, even if temporarily or painfully slowly.
    All your posts have helped me to get excited again about putting those **** boots back on and enjoy the sunshine and fresh air so to speak!  Thanks for playing along with my little visualization – I find it really helpful and inspiring to have a visual metaphor in my brain.
    Velvet, you are right, I am not back where I started – thank goodness!  I was worried there for a couple of days there. 
    And, you are also right about not wasting energy over a load of piffle.  I know my partner is just human as well and if its him speaking to me like that, I am aware that it is just his hurt at the root of it, and NO I don’t have to listen to it and I do know what is true (although realize even more now how much I do sometimes doubt myself as to whether I am doing something wrong (whatever wrong really means) – so good place for me to get more comfortable with making mistakes and being ok with learning and carrying on).  I know on the occassions that I have spoken to him about all manner of what is wrong with him (yes, I know, who would have believed I would also partake of this kind of behavior :S), it comes from a place of hurt, fear, insecurity and utter desperation…and sometimes I don’t even feel like saying sorry afterwards – oh dear!
    And, if it is the addiction speaking to me, well, then I will come to know that for sure in time too.  And this is the part I am not willing to work with (she says as she still finds herself here – haha) – as it seems the human owner of the addiction does have the ability to change but the addiction’s character is not one prone to change unless overridden consciously, if that makes sense.
    The distance does add a totally different dimension – trust and truth certainly are gray!  And as you say Looby, it makes some parts easier and some parts much more difficult.  With respect to life time commitment or any other commitment, I am feeling pretty grounded in the fact that all I can manage and am willing to do right now is deal with today – knowing that all options are on the table, as you say Velvet, and trusting that the only way anything in the future will happen is by building the right foundation now, no matter what happens this applies to having the best life I can possibly have.
    It seems I had more to say than I thought…thanks again for listening – what a gift!  I wish I could clearly articulate just how much it means to me to be able to receive this support and companionship from folks who understand what this experience is like!
    xx
     

    #2019
    sosad
    Participant

    sorry V, I clicked leave just before you answer popped up.  yes, i know what you mean now.
    thanks again for chat!
    here’s to many more giggles.  xx

    #2020
    velvet
    Moderator

    yes please

    #2021
    sosad
    Participant

    It has been so very long since I have even read here…it really warmed my heart to see your last post to me Velvet, thank you.
    So many new folks and brave courageous stories unfolding.  I have learned so much in the past few days reading new posts and seeing some of myself there and admiring everyone’s strength and learning and wishing so much that no one had to go through this – it can feel soul destroying – how very lucky we are to be able to come here and share our wisdom as we find it again. I’m pretty sure I would still be spinning in my head and not trusting my instincts if it were not for everyone here  – most especially Velvet and Harry who have held my hand so many ***** and and walked me through my own lunatic brain and helped me to be brave enough to really look at both myself and the situation.
    I’m not 100% sure why I stopped reading etc. here, but in hindsight I think I was just needing a break from all that is gambling, and in some way preparing to end my relationship with him as I knew that I just couldn’t do this for much longer and had told him enough was enough – although I realize now I hadn’t been as firm as I needed to be in my own resolve at the time.  As always, new promises came including one to make his online banking available to me (a much bigger step than just sending receipts etc. which never happened anyways) which would have gone such a long way to helping me feel safer and he seemed to be taking action of his own accord, disagreements and misunderstandings were handled openly and kindly, care was shown, my mistrust was talked about openly although difficult for him and me, then, as has been my experience again and again, time slips away, things don’t happen, a medical scare for him delayed for a little while (I know life happens), we talked again about a trip and a date and what that would look like, i booked the time off – he didn’t…It has been so long since I have seen him it is just crushing, and more time passed…I must admit I am still baffled by behavior that completely sabotages what someone says they want for themselves.
    While he did seem to have more resolve himself initially and what seemed like much longer periods of clear headedness and we even made it so far as going to an initial counselling intake appointment, which seemed to go well.  In the end, the things I needed just to feel secure and safe, never mind anything else, were not forthcoming and booking the next counselling appt slipped further and further away and i finally asked questions and answers were delayed, and then again a few weeks ago, I found myself having a crazymaking, blame shifting, manipulating discussion with the addiction – wanting to debate about what recovery actually means and why not just abstinence and that I was being unfair and unreasonable and as money had evaporated again and he was not able to contribute his half of the plane ticket as planned I was told that if it were him who had the credit card he would just buy the ticket and i could pay him back later (a massive slap in the face as I have heard the "i’ll pay you back" so many ***** and still have not been paid back – along with it being implied that I was not being generous as he would be), and the final straw for me was his comment that his banking and finances are private as we are not married…and I just shut down in a way…all my last bits of hope just disappeared…all I wanted was for the conversation to end and the hurt to end.  There was just nothing left to say or do…for me it would all be the same old ground again or more promises for some time in the future that always arrives and nothing happening and the same crazy conversations yet again.
    So I’ve said firmly goodbye in the past few days.  It is one of the hardest things I have ever done – he wasn’t answering the phone, so I ended up sending an email (****** I know) and he did ask to speak the next day which I was willing to do but clarified it was only to say a more proper goodbye…in the end he said he couldn’t as it hurt too much.  I am going to need all my strength to stand by this.  I cannot speak with him or I am afraid that I will not be able to stay strong.  I love him so very much and it is breaking my heart to let go.  I can’t think about it all at once or it just undoes me.
    I don’t know if anyone here has heard of the Virtues cards – they are a really lovely reminder of all the virtues we strive for in life and we use them here in school programs etc.  My partner and I have, on occasion, done what is called a Virtues pick – where you pick a card for yourself to focus on for a week or a month – they tell you about the virtue, have a little quote and a few points about what it looks like to live that virtue…it is often astounding what comes up when you do this…or maybe it is just that I need so much work on all of them I feel like whichever one comes up is meant just for me at the time (haha).  Before my last email to him (so i could email him his) I did a pick for us both and was, as always, renewed somehow in my faith in the universe at what came up – mine was Purposefulness (so very helpful for a focus for me right now) and his was Serenity, which of course left me in a flood of tears – I could not wish for more for him than serenity – I truly truly hope he finds it.  It is so hard to really let go and know that I can’t do anything to help him find it…my heart actually aches.
    A little bit of me feels guilty that I was not strong enough to tighten up the laces on my boots and learn to become more resilient to all the ups and downs so that it didn’t affect me…but it does affect me, very deeply. Having hope, restraining hope, maintaining faith and being open to trusting again some day, hope wobbling, being positive, being honest, keeping an open heart while not trusting at all, really working through all my fears without letting it tumble out prematurely, feeling the pain without getting stuck in it, all while trying not to pay too much attention to what is going on for him and building my own life to where I want it to be, digging into where i need to believe in myself more and learning to deeply care for myself as much as him, making plans for me and entertaining the idea of plans for us…no easy feat.  I find questions still running through my mind ‘was he getting closer?’ ‘was it all a game to him and i never really mattered at all?’, ‘did i push too hard/ask too much, not push hard enough?’  etc.  Go nowhere questions, I realize, as there is so much I will never know and I know I will come to peace with that – they are not the loud questions anymore, just whispers really.
    Anyways, I know you all know what I mean.  I am going to be ok.  I have moments of fall on the floor in a puddle of grief and have just let it come for the past few days for as long or as much as it ***** to – I think some of the other grief of the past few months are rolling into this…then it passes for a while and I get on with it.  I was really angry for the first couple of weeks after our last conversation…so so angry again.  That seems to have passed for now…I hope so, I don’t like that feeling even more than I don’t like the overwhelming feeling of the sadness when its strong. 
    Off to finish watering the garden and pick raspberries before they all go over.
    Much love. xx
     

    #2022
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Sosad,
    I am sorry to hear how you are hurting. I am not very good at giving advice or supportive words, but your post really hit a chord with me. I could hear your sadness through your words, but I also heard a person who didn’t like the decision they made but felt confident that it was the correct one. Even though you mention doubt (who doesn’t have doubt) you seem to know that you are on the right course and from what I have read you tightened the laces on your boots and that is why you came to the decision you did.
    You did what Velvet has been emphasizing to me, you took care of yourself first. You will be in my thoughts.

    #2023
    jenny46
    Participant

    Hi So Sad
    Yes I have a good idea ! You did nothing wrong, in fact you did everything within your power to love and support someone who for their own reasons decided not to change, leaving you very other little choice except a further future of misery and false hopes and promises, lies and deception (sorry was going on a bit there) or the future you have chosen for yourself and the chance to live your life in the way that you so choose it to be.
    Although it may not have been what you would have wanted and the sadness is obvious in your post, it is none the less a success in terms of this addiction that you have had the strength, knowledge and the courage to walk away and not to be brought down any further.
    Sometimes enough is enough and when enough happens then we can go forwards, try new things, meet new people (which we can trust eventually !! hopefully) in a future free from all that the addiction creates. You may have helped your partner in the long run, perhaps he has had to lose you to in order to feel a change is in order.
    For me each time something happened it became harder to pull it back until really there was nothing to pull back except a heap more **** for myself. Doesn’t mean i’m not sad or miss him just that eventually it evaporated and I no longer consider it worth the fight.
    So Sad I wish you every success with your future and whatever it holds but most of all I wish you the happiness that you deserve. Please let us know how you go on.
    Jenny xWe see things not as they are, but through how we are today x

    #2024
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi So
    Taking a break is the right thing to do – eventually moving on and not looking back is the natural order of things as well.   This site is here, in my opinion, for F&F for a period in their lives but a period they should be able to leave behind.  
    There will always be the hope that this promise will be the one that changes everything but just as the non-CG can never be sure, neither can the CG, who can never promise to say they will never gamble again.  
    We are the ones who can change and know that we mean it but it is a terrifying jump especially when you love someone as much as you so obviously love your CG. 
    He really does not ‘want’ to be a CG – his addiction sabotages him because it sits on his shoulder and he has never shaken it off.  Gambling is all around him and other people can ‘enjoy’ it and walk away – why can’t he?   In one way he doesn’t want to because the gamble is so important to him – how will he cope without that wonderful buzz?   He completely forgets the downside when he gambles and his total misery afterwards is real but in his gamble-distorted brain it is not his responsibility that he has failed.  
    I think for many non-CG the final straw is one too many repeats of the same old story – when you knew what would happen in advance.   ‘When’ that final straw comes is as difficult to be sure of, as the real determination to change for the CG.   Why today – why this time?   These are unanswerable questions.  I believe that ‘rock bottom’ is the time when it does happen but as that is a mental state it cannot be seen by others.
    The longer periods of clear headedness will hopefully stick in his mind – it is, I think, better that there are such periods even if the final leap, to really take control, does take longer.  
    Loving someone enough to let them go because of this addiction is the hardest but in my view, the greatest act of love.  
    Forget feeling guilt – I never did get round to tightening my boot laces until far too much water had passed under far too many bridges.  
    You are right that the questions you are posing yourself will get you nowhere.   I can answer one  I believe – and that is that you were never just a game to him.  
    My first husband left me with 3 children under the age of 6 – I didn’t think I could ever trust again.   I am celebrating another wedding anniversary soon for a long-term happy marriage where I trust implicitly.   I also trust my CG that he will look after himself and use the tools he has to confirm that every day he will not gamble.   I can live with both these trusts and live in contentment.   You will trust again I am sure.  
    Just as the raspberries will go over – next year there will be the promise of new.   Take each day So and live it – one day you will look back and remember this site and the sadness you felt but it will not hurt.  
    You are obviously a cracking person with a lovely personality – you will succeed.  
    V
     

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