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Remember me? Heres my update.

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  • #2593
    brave mum

    Hello Everyone.
    You may, or may not remember me.
    I went by the alias ”Burnt Soul” and many other names I have forgotten,
    It has been years since I revisited this page.
    Last time I posted I was still not with my ex, and was not looking at taking him back, however I was in a bad place no matter how good I made myself cope.
    I had Psycologists visit me at home for a while and just wasnt coping, I didnt want to deal with that either so i stopped the visits. I wanted to find my own way back to the top, and got sick of hearing the word ”Gambling”.
    I realised my ex (Vaughn, if you recall) was not interested in getting help, and only time he would say hed get help is when he knew i was serious about moving on… it lasted a few weeks, and that was it,.
    My update is.
    We have not gotten back together, my kids are now 6 and 4, I am now working fulltime – its extremely hectic, but it keeps my mind busy.
    I have bad days, I have good days. like everyone.
    The problems with Vaughn and I are still the same, he is hot and cold, the only difference is i dont get in his life anymore, i only assumed he was gambling, and that was all. Vaughn moved out and got a house on his own, I was really happy for him, thinking outside looking in that he was doing well.
    Little did i know he got his house thru gambling…. and last month after only 5 months there, he lost his house the same way. and had to move back to his mums,
    In this time Vaughn became again very short, possesive and angry with me, something that I didnt need anymore. something that i was too strong for, however felt with all the other pressures of life it was getting to me, just thinking he was playing manipulation with me again, i decided not to be dragged down this time, and just to ignore the calls, save me from breaking down…
    I thought i was doing well.. until
    4am Thursday morning, woken by voicemails from police and his friends. they were looking for him, during the night he called a friend and said he wanted to make sure that he could give his phone to me, i had to be the first to get it, as there were messages on there. he then hung up, the friend went to the police and reported it as an attempted suicide.
    Hours later they found him, not in a good way at all, in his car with hoses attached (I dont want to go into detail for obvious reasons but you get the drift) Vaughn was put into high protection on the psyciatrist ward/hospital where he has now been for almost a week.
    He is angry one minute, upset the next, then angry, then yeh.. you get it,
    After going to see him, he shed light that he had been gambling extremely bad and has got to a point now where he is following wins in his dreams.. every night. he said on top of that has been fighting the thought of me moving on (we broke up many years ago) and said that he couldnt be alive to hear the day that I am getting in a relationship/married etc he said he doesnt ever want another man to have me etc etc. after telling me these feelings, on top of not answering his calls and messages I felt blame. responsible, just like i had sometimes felt after my dad commited suicide when i was 17.
     When i saw him, all i wanted to do was hug him. talk sense into him. help him,. help my kids etc…
    and now,  I am just confused with my own thoughts… going to see him, may look like we are getting back together, and its really not as simple as that. taking into consideration my kids, the future, is this for real, whats changed? is it safe? Ive come so far cannot make a chance of him bringing us down again. i realise even if i had considered to sticking by him, unfortuanatley the cons outweigh the pros.
    I still want to be there, i still want to help.
    I feel that i can get somewhere with him… .but, so confused as to if its technically the right thing to do.
    Work has given me a week off work to try and get it together. im not too bad this afternoon, bad morning tho… its like that.
    I just want to say to all family members of loved ones that are gambling.. the only thing you can do , is support them, and if you feel you cant do that anymore, or becoming exhausted, I cannot tell you how important it really is to look after you first… the addiction will bring you down – if you let it. its what it does best. especially if you have kids. you need to keep it together for them… they are relying on you….Who would have thought the thing i fought to hold onto, was the same thing i fight to let go.

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