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Still recovering….

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    It is nearly 3 months since I posted here, partly because life has been so busy and partly because I just wanted to forget about gambling for a while.
    As we all know we deal with the fallout for much longer than we would like and if like me your CG is still part of your life well the concern never really goes away.
    I have popped in and out of the site from time to time to see how everyone is doing. Hello to all those who used to write to me, I will catch up with all your posts soon. Many I see are still here helping and sharing with others and gaining the support that we all need.
    The story since I last posted….
    In February I was unsure about moving back in with my partner as I really felt it was too soon after only 3 months of recovery. He wanted us to be back together in his house to make a fresh start and I nearly went. Sometimes being apart from your CG can make you see things clearly, you are not in the thick of it day to day. When you are back together especially if you miss each other then it’s easy to forget the difficult times and you want to believe the talk of a bright future.
    He would make it up to me he would say, he was committed to recovery and the past is the past and he was a different person. I could see a change, a less argumentative person but not much else to convince me.
    Fate took a turn for me and my daughter as we were offered a secure affordable tenancy in a beautiful place near my family. It meant I didn’t have to make that decision when I wasn’t ready and I felt now I had the security and stability that was really needed to help my recovery.
    The excitement of moving house was clouded by my CG’s reaction… a complete backlash. Mind games, lies, silent treatment all returned in various forms but I stood firm and now have a secure home for me and my family.
    I did at one point ask him to join me so we could try again but he refused and wants the relationship on his terms only now. That now means that he definatly won’t disclose his financial situation with me since as I’ve chosen to live apart it is none of my business!
    He only contacts me when he feels like it or wants something and says that part of his recovery is to take control of his life which also includes his relationship, basically he wants control of us! I feel he is trying to punish me for sticking to my decision. He knows my weaknesses too and can still find ways to upset me.
    As we are living apart I actually have no way of knowing if he really is going to GA meetings, I am pretty sure he hasn’t been for months, and I cannot see any other way that he is actively helping himself. Although he wants me in his life when it suits him there seems to be little consideration for me and what I want. I did want the nice man that he can be but with the extreme selfishness that he’s showing do I really want to be treated like this? In many ways I don’t see change and it makes me wonder if he is gambling or if not as once mentioned ’dry gambling’.
    Maybe he needs to be selfish to recover???? He maintains his life is now sorted and he’s getting on great but his only problem is me! If I am still suffering from the fallout then that’s my fault as I’m too sensitive…his words! He will also have all his debt cleared in a few months and considers himself to have gotten off scot free, he has in that respect, but I really wonder what the truth is?
    Truth is a distant memory as I find it difficult to believe anything as he lies so easily to me. I wish I could trust everything he said…but how can I?
    There really isn’t anything I can do other than not to allow myself to be used in any way. I still feel he is in denial.
    Something that Susan mentioned was the use of Ebay by a CG. Mine spends a lot of time on there and randomly bids on cars that he cannot afford and has sold several this way. When he visits me it’s the first thing he wants to do and will spend most of the evening looking to bid cars that he maintains can be sold on to make a profit. He has lost money several times doing just that and even asked me a one point not to let him bid on anything. To me that was an admission it was feeding his problem so I changed my eBay password.
    He now has his own account and has computer access at work! I have expressed my worry many times that it’s just another channel for his gambling but still denies this and carries on regardless.
    Maybe I am not seeing many of the positives because we live apart but what I do see worries me. Perhaps he does have his life all sorted but maybe he just doesn’t want me in it.
    I have a happier life without the constant worry but feel sad and disappointed sometimes that our future seems so uncertain after what I thought was a promising start to his recovery.
    Thank you for reading my update.
    Jenny x

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