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Tired of all the bull_ _ _ _

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    littlewings
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    Hi there, I am writing tonight to tell anyone who is listening that I am tired of all the bull_ _ _ _ . After being married for 17 years to a gambler who is emotionally unavailable, untrustworthy, and so damn jealous and insecure all of the time I can’t take it anymore. I feel like like everyone is boarding the Titanic and I am just watching everyone go by and living their lives and theirfantasies while I am stuck with this  _ _ _ _ head. He really had me so torn down, so weak, that I really believed what he said, that no one would ever treat me the way that he did. THANK GOD NO ONE EVER WILL!!! But when it was good, it was really good, and when it was bad, it was a nightmare. That is what living with a gambler is like. Your life becomes so insecure. You don’t know what to expect when they walk throught the door in the evening. Will you get happy hubby? Or will you get psycho hubby? You spend the whole day worrrying about this event. You spend hours cleaning the house; in the midst of breastfeeding and changing diapers and grocery shopping, cooking a meal all by yourself. You cannot simply wait for this person to come home and TELL you whether you are a good wife or bad wife. And all the while you didn’t know that it all simply depending on whether they had WON that day or LOST. What a waste. How can someone be so WEAK and TREAT the person they promised to love so HORRIBLY. It took me a long time to see why my sister couldn’t believe that I wasnt packing my bags and running for the hills. I am writing tonight as a wife of a gambler, mother of two beautiful children, and psychology student at a university, to tell all of you that when I look back on all of the years I wasted with this man, I feel like I was living with the devil. That’s right. The devil. As a student of psychology, I do understand the neuroscience behind addiction but the person I was married to never got better. YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT ADDICTS ARE ALWAYS ADDICTS. And it took me a long time to realize (2 years) that he never would. I had to go through all of the steps to get there and you will need to also. You will have to go to marital counseling where he will offer only parts of the story and when you try to tell your side he will act as if you were living with another person; not him. He will agree to partake of the counselors suggestions but never cooperate especially in areas concerning sharing financial information; you will never know about his business finances. Then he will ask you why you have removed all of his clothing from the master bath/bedroom area and why he is no longer allowed to sleep in the marital bed. You will just look at him like he is a bug; something to be dismissed. You will want to say to him "do you really think I want to sleep next to a lying _ _ _ hole? " but you will hold your tongue because you know by now that arguing makes THE GAMBLER feel good and strong and that you still care. REMEMBER THAT THEY ARE ALWAYS THINKING THAT THINGS WILL TURN AROUND. THEY REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES!! And that I am going to have sex with someone that lies to me and went so far as to evade taxes in order to continue gambling and use equity from our home to gamble? And then went to his rich enabling mother in order to further fund the gambling behind my back. Both of them behind my back. And then, to boot, borrowed money from my wealthy uncle using the excuse that we were in debt and going behind my back yet again to GAMBLE IT!!! Yes this is a true story. Every day I dream of leaving but with what??? Now there is no money growing on trees. IT IS HIDDEN!! If I had left when I first discovered the truth 3 years ago I could be getting a decent spousal support but now, good luck!! I worry every day about my kids growing up with this person. This person will be in their lives even if we were divorced. And how would I ever have time to date and why would I. So I can find another rotten apple? No thank you. I will leave the rotten apples on the ground. I need to help my children grow into strong people because their father sure as hell isn’t going to. I love myself now. I know I am beautiful and strong and that I can get through anything. I know my worth and he can’t ever take it from me. but I wish I could scoop up my kids and fly away with them but I know that’s not the right answer. The right answer is living every day to it’s fullest and getting every precious moment I can with my beautiful precious children because they are my purpose. I just wish I wasn’t so alone. And that is my message folks. To any of you that have spent the time reading this far remember that you will only have yourself to depend on in this marriage to a gambler and if you are okay with that then stay but there will be a point where you will long for more and you will not be fulfilled by your gambling spouse because they are only occupied with themselves and their addiction. It takes all of their energy to just be a gambler. ALL OF IT. THERE IS NONE LEFT FOR YOU OR YOUR KIDS. THERE IS BETTER SPOUSES OUT THERE. Think about it…

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