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trades one addition for another

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    Hello, my name is Jen, married to a cg, I’ve spent the last year on a site called sober recovery, because he was addicted to pain pills for over 10 yrs. if it weren’t for that site, I could not even imagine where I would be. So now that the pain pills stopped, well (now on suboxine) his new addition is keno, he’s always played, but now its uncontrollable, this month we go to court for our SECOND bankruptcy, this past year I have realized yes…im an enabler. So to make a very long story short, because if you are reading this, you have got to know the desperation, anger, pain, hatred and guilt I’m feeling, and many more emotions. I have a wonderful mother in law who purchased a condo and I pay her, because I have no credit thanks to her son. so I finally left. we love each other and I want to stay married, BUT, I know I can not keep doing this, I want my life back, I’m sick of trying to change him. I need health insurance, and that’s pretty much what has kept me this long, but I have read somewhere that if I file for legal separation, I still get to stay on his health insurance, but financially I wont be responsible for any new debt he acquires. Does anyone know anything about legal separation and if what I read is true. I can not afford to get a lawyer to get legal advice. thank you, and thank god I found this site!!


    Hi Jen,
    I only have a few minutes so please excuse the “short and sweet”.
    First, let me ****** you – you are not alone.  Yes we (F&Fs) know the awful emotions you speak of. I’m sure you have been reading some of the stories here. The cross addiction type behavior you speak of is apparently not uncommon. Just off the top of my head – Madge’s thread speaks to that…
    Keep reading! You will learn how each of us has dealt with this addiction in our own ways, yet with the same running theme for the most part – which is to take care of ourselves.
    CGs can change – but we can’t make them change. We can only change ourselves in order to step out of the wreckage the CG will have to deal with if they do change. In focusing on our own recovery, we remove the addiction from our lives and begin to live again. I promise, it can happen.
    I will try to post more later – but seriously … keep reading here. You will begin to see what it means to “take care of yourself”. You are already seeing that you need to take care of yourself financially – and you absolutely do.
    I am not an attorney, and I don’t live in Michigan, but here is a site for you to begin exploring the idea of filing for ‘Separate Maintenance’ in your state possibly on your own.
    If you know of an appropriate attorney, or can have one recommended, most will give you a free consultation. You can explain your circumstances and concerns (and be completely honest) and what you would like to achieve. They can at least give you an idea of what your options are and the expense you can  expect should you decide to go down that road.
    Keep educating yourself Jen – and try to focus on your own recovery.  You are stronger than you may believe right now and you will get through this.
     "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele on writing Chasing Pavements

    nomore 56

    Hi Jen, you are right, sadly we are all familiar with the emotions you experience right now. It is pretty common for addicts to replace one substance/behavior with another because the gap ***** to be filled. Meaning the gap that lead to the addiction in the first place. A lot of substance abusers and addicts turn to gambling unfortunately. As to your legal situation, Michigan is not a community property state as far as I know. So if you get a legal separation, you are no longer responsible for his debts. But you need some kind of legal advice to sort out the details and to make sure you do everything the right way. Like Adele said, the first visit w an attorney is usually free so you can get the most important questions answered. It would be a good idea to get a hold of the documents you will need to fill out and file. Some are available online and sometimes you can find the whole package in a book store. That will give you an idea what you are dealing with before you talk to a lawyer. The health insurance is important and a tricky issue. I think that depends largely on the insurance your hb has, maybe just call them and ask if you can stay on his plan in case of a legal separation. Do you have any idea how your hb will react? Can you stay in the condo if push comes to shove? From my own experience I can tell you that I should have had all my ducks in a row but hindsight is always better, right? In the meantime, make sure that you protect yourself. Take his name off your account if you have one, same with credit cards. Change your pin number for the ATM, good idea to do this frequently. Sign up for credit score monitoring so you know what is going on, you can do this for both of you without him knowing. Who pays the bills? It should be you to make sure your essentials are covered. And again, this is just my own opinion: it is not good to make decisions when your emotions are running amok. First and foremost protect yourself financially because that takes a big chunk out of the daily stress. Think about what you want your future to look like and what you are willing to accept or not. F&Fs need to be strong to take on the addiction and knowledge is power. But you already know this from your hb’s prior struggle. You can do this, I’m sure. Call us legend for we are many. I wish you the best! 🙂


    Hi Jen

    If you are still looking for support, please update. You have had a couple of excellent replies and it helps us to know if you found them supportive and/or if you acted on anything they contained.


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