19 August 2010 at 2:51 am #2731callie1570Participant
I know full well that it is nowhere near so simple but sometimes I just can’t help but think why the hell can’t he just NOT gamble? Why can’t he just not go through my things looking for bank cards or pin numbers? Why can’t he just not go to the bookies? Why can’t he leave of his own accord without either running out of all available money or me going in and dragging him out?
Why can’t he just stop and think of how badly he is ruining my financial life and realise that I bail him out every time with no appreciation and no thanks? Why can’t he just think about me, about his daughter, our future, our family? Why is all that love and happiness not enough to stop him?
Why does he sit there welling up telling me that I deserve someone so much better and that he will do all he can to sort himself and his life out to be the better man he knows he is, for me, for him, for us, for his family and then the next day I am having to pester him to get him to even look at getting help?
Why can’t I just have a few days off from this heavy burden on my shoulders? Why can’t our life just be simple and happy
Why am I not enough?
I am sorry this is such a self-pitying rant but I am still awake at 4 in the morning unable to sleep worrying about my CG, our future, our family and as usual, most of all….money!! I just needed to put pen to paper as it were to get this all out cos I am going crazy with all this going round my head with no-one in my life who knows so I can turn to. Am really struggling tonight.19 August 2010 at 6:13 am #2732DuncKeymaster
Hi Callie, a warm welcome back to the Gambling Therapy Friends and Family forum.
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Harry– 19/08/2010 06:15:03: post edited by harry.19 August 2010 at 11:21 am #2733velvetModerator
I thought when I read your post that you had found a page of mine and re-written it. I voiced all those ‘why’s so often but no answer was forthcoming until I had come to terms with his addiction and my part in it. If your partner’s addiction had the guts to speak it would answer ‘why not – I am addiction, I will ***** everything from you if you let me. I will ***** your dignity, your self-belief, your ability to trust, your strength and just give me a chance – your soul.’
I am not offering an excuse for addiction but I am offering the reason why your partner does what he does. His head is stuffed full of an illogical addiction that is unable to reason. It is selfish, destructive and corrosive – it knows no boundaries and cares not one iota for you, what colour you are, or religion or how many children you have – it is the Addiction to Gamble and it is your enemy.
It is not known why one person has an addiction and another does not. For us it is simply ‘don’t go to the bookmaker’. For the person with the propensity for an addiction there might have been one or two trips to the casino, race, course, card game and sadly probably a so called ‘win’ when the addiction saw the warm haven in which it could dwell and reek its hate. The addiction is like a head full of water with no room for empathy, honesty, self-esteem, love. If the addicted person can recognise they have a problem and accept it, they can seek the right help from those who can show them how to tip a bit of that water out and replace it with honesty and love then. Provided they are dedicated, they can empty their heads although the propensity to gamble will always be there. When you speak to your partner and ask ‘why’ it is again as though the words have travelled through water and become distorted. His addiction answers – not your partner. If it feels threatened it knows which buttons to push and if we are not strong enough to stand up to that addiction speaking to us then we become it’s victims too.
The thoughts go round and round in our heads, faster and faster and if we are not careful we implode and then the fall out is terrible. I am glad that you are releasing your thoughts and I hope you will continue to do so. I think it is important though that you allow the thoughts of ‘your recovery’ to come in.
Your partner’s addiction believes it holds you in it’s sway. I really, really know how difficult it is to do what is right for you but detachment from this addiction is vital to your well-being, your daughters and ultimately to your partner.
I cannot tell you what to do but I would hope that you never bail him out again. When we enable we are sorting out the addiction’s debts, taking responsibility away from the CG and loading it upon ourselves. CGs need to take responsibility for their lives if they are to live in control of their addiction.
I’m not sure whether it is the addiction or the CG who cries ‘sorry’. I wanted to believe it was the person I loved and not his addiction. I forgave because of ‘my’ need to forgive and ‘my’ need to trust. It is good to detach ‘our’ ***** for them. We need to learn about the addiction’s capabilities so that we can make informed decisions and survive.
You want a life with your partner and daughter that is ‘normal’ but unless there is a change you will continue in the cycle that you are describing and it does get worse. The only person listening is ‘you’. The only person you can change is you. You have done nothing wrong but you can make a difference.
You said that your partner was considering GH and it is worth encouraging even if it does mean he is away for 6 months. Believe me it goes quickly because during that time you will be finding yourself. As an incentive to him to change his life, it would be good perhaps if you were less selfless and became detached. His addiction ***** to hear that in you it has met its match. You are not going to live with it. You have to believe it, mean it and never threaten until you do believe it and mean it.
You cannot make your partner stop gambling, you cannot save him but you can make his addiction ‘know’ that you have had enough. The most important weapon in the hands of this addiction is the mind of the enabler. Withdraw your mind and take it back under your control. There is no need for rows and tears. Show a strength that bewilders the addiction and is determined.
I would not write if I did not know that this addiction can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result. Your post is next to Davien and Double H – witnesses that what I am saying is true. It isn’t easy but it can be done and the rewards are priceless.
I hope some of this helps but please keep posting
Loads of Love
19 August 2010 at 10:25 pm #2734lilyParticipant
Hi Callie, I think anyone who has ever been close to a Cg has had the thoughts you posted or similar at one time or another. It is an incredible frustrating thing to watch a CG out of control through their addiction, and this can leave the non Cg partner feeling hurt, angry and effect self esteem. It is so important to take care of yourself first when you are in this situation and to guard against emotional and financial manipulation. The thing to remember is it is not personal, the addiction owns them when they are an active CG, it uses people to get what it wants, the tools to gamble, be that money, time, an excuse for the binge or someone to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong. This doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t love you, simply that there is no room in his head or heart for that love whilst he is gambling.
Most CG have low self esteem although that as not always apparent. Somewhere in side they do not believe they have the right to happiness or to be loved and find it hard to except these things are possible. It can help to separate out the person and the gambling both in your head and when talking to your CG. You love your CG, you hate his gambling, you want a future with your CG but the gambling is blocking that, if you understand what I mean. Criticism of a CG as a person will only lead to further lose of self esteem and feelings that they are not worthy of a better life, a gambling free life.
I am sure you already understand that taking away the means to gamble is the first vital step, taking control of the finances and not bailing him out if he still get into trouble is the only way to begin to protect yourself and him from this addiction. Giving up control of the finances is not something most CG will want to do but it is essential. You can not make him stop, no one can, it has to come from him but you can keep the obvious temptation of ready cash or the thought he can come looking to be bailed out after a binge away.
I can imagine the thought of being away from his child for 6 months would be a heart rending one for him but by going to GH and regaining control of his addiction he will be putting the building blocks in place for a better father daughter relationship in the future. 6 months away from her to secure the chance of a healthy loving relationship with her for the rest of her life has to be a small price to pay doesn’t it? Ask him how he thinks his gambling will effect their relationship in the future, there are many stories of parent child relationship breakdown due to gambling on the forums.You can encourage him along this path but ultimately he has to do it for himself, if he is only doing it to please others the chances are the treatment will not be successful.
But Callie most of all you have to take care of you, try not to let thought of the addiction consume you too. Take time out to do things that take your mind away from it even if it is only for a short time. Once finical barriers are put in place there is not much more practically you can do. There is no point in waiting up for him or wondering what he is doing if he wants to gamble he will, your worrying about it won’t stop it, only treatment will. So have time with friends and family or go to the gym or watch a film or take a walk, anything that takes you out of the world of CGing for a while. It doesn’t sound much but it will keep you sane and make you stronger and more able to deal with things day to day.
I hope I haven’t been to hard or gone on too long. Like Velvet I believe if a CG has the will to take control of his addiction then (with the appropriate help) then he will.
Keep posting and don’t let my long droning response put you off! You will always find support here. Lil x Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. (Maria Robinson)21 August 2010 at 1:00 pm #2735twilight16Participant
I have felt the same way about my cg, who is my father. I always questioned why was it so hard for him to stop gambling. It seemed like if he had some commom sense he would but I realized he didn’t. He was consumed by his gambling which I know now has taken most of his rational thoughts away.
However, and this is a BIG HOWEVER, it still doesn’t excuse their behavior and their gambling. When someone knows they have a problem/addiction and it is clear to anyone who does because we all sense when we are in trouble or have done something wrong, he/she must seek professional help. They have to get help, they cannot expect anyone in their lives to just sit there and accept it or enable it. I have found by not doing something meaning not giving your cg consequences they have no reason to face their gambling. So, as a noncg we have to decide what we are going to do. Are we just going to let the cg gamble or are we going to stand firm with not allowing it. PERIOD!
At first I let my cg gamble, though it was literally dragging me down but I just didn’t have it in me to let him go. I was afraid and i always felt because he was my father, my own flesh and blood I needed to have a relationship with him. It got to the point where I really disliked him and his presence just made my skin crawl. So I did what I should of done all along, I ended ALL TIES WITH HIM. I spoke with him before doing so, letting him know and giving him the choice to stop gambling/getting help or I would no longer help him or talk to him. He told he to get lost and that is what I did.
I am no longer a victim of his gambling and he knows it. I feel 100% better, though this did not happen over night. It is a process but it is something that is worth its self in gold. You have to do for you and your daughter. You cannot wait for a magical moment when he will snap out of his gambling, because it will never happen. Think of your daughter, soon she will understand all of this. I know this situation may seem hopless but it is not. It can be changed by you taking steps to change this stressful life you are now living.
Take care, we are all here to support YOU!
Twilight31 August 2010 at 3:30 pm #2736velvetModerator
How are you?
Please post again – we do care
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